Love is Always Write Anthology Volume 6
feel like I'd been run over with a tank. It would get so bad at times that I would reach for my phone, to call Chase, to hear his voice and tell him that I was sorry and to grovel or do anything I had to, to get him back. But every time I managed to stop myself before punching the button, telling myself it was better this way, for both of us.
And then, three days later I got my deployment orders and two weeks later, I was with everyone else in my unit, saying goodbye to our families. Well, actually I didn't have anyone there to send me off. Bobby had stayed in San Francisco because Kate was pregnant. It was only the first trimester, but she had been having a difficult time, and Bobby didn't want to leave her, which I understood. And without Bobby there, I had told Mom not to come, I didn't want her being alone while she was upset from seeing me off and then having to drive back to Fresno by herself. Instead, I had gone to see her two days ago, and we said our goodbyes, then.
So I could only stand there and wait, watching my fellow soldiers hugging and kissing their loved ones. I had a pang of loss as I thought how the only person I would want to see before I went off to the place I was going to— a place I might not come back from— was Chase. God, I missed him, I missed feeling his arms around me, I missed his smile, his scent... everything. And just as I thought I was going to keel over from the pain of missing him, I looked over to see a familiar face. Not Chase, but it was that gay Marine from the neighboring barracks that I had seen at the gay bar that time. His lover was here to see him off, and like every other couple here today, I saw the pain etched on both of their faces. But then I noticed something. Unlike every other couple here, they weren't embracing; they weren't kissing or whispering tender words of love and goodbyes in each other's ears. No, they were simply standing there, face to face, not touching. The soldier's lover was itching to, I could tell, but he was restraining himself. In the end, they shook hands and then leaned in for a brief "bro-hug/pat on the back." Then the Marine picked up his pack and headed toward the planes.
And just like that my fantasy of having Chase here was shattered as I witnessed reality. Because if he had been here, we would have been exactly like that couple. Unable to touch, unable to appear as anything more than "friends." It broke my heart, again, but it also reinforced my original decision the night I ended things with him. This was the way it had to be.
CHAPTER 5
September 20, 2011
"Are you ready? Are you ready for me, baby?"
"Fuck, Chase, please... I need... oh God, inside me, please."
He groaned as he entered me, slowly, drawing out the exquisite mix of pleasure and pain. I shifted my hips up. I wanted him, I needed him, now . It only made him clamp his hands down harder on my hips, holding them still. He continued his slow, slow movements, inch by tortuous inch. I didn't know how he was staying in control, I felt like I was going to combust into nothingness if this continued on.
"Chase..." It was too much, I couldn't breathe.
"Shh... patience, A, just hang on a little while longer.
And then finally, there he was, all of him, inside me. I felt so full, it was too much, too much... and I looked up and he looked so beautiful, those sexy eyes, those full lips smiling down at me. And suddenly I knew this was the only place I wanted to be; I wanted to stay here with him inside me, forever.
As much as I was begging him only two seconds ago, now I wanted to tell him to stay, to not move.
"Chase, don't—"
But it was too late, he didn't hear me, he pulled out and then slammed back in so hard, I cried out and came. I had no control over my body, it writhed and shook with the aftershocks and wouldn't stop.
"Chase...!" I was so lost in the waves for a moment, I couldn't see, I couldn't feel him. I reached out blindly, frantically.
And then he was there, his arms holding me. "It's okay, A, I've got you... I've got you."
I bolted straight up from my cot, my heart pounding. It was pitch black, and I was covered in sweat. As I listened to the sounds of the insects buzzing outside and the soft snoring and occasional shifting of the other Marines in my barracks, I slowly remembered where I was and collapsed back on my bunk.
When a soldier comes home from a deployment, especially one in a war zone, it is not uncommon to be tortured with dreams and nightmares
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