Love is Always Write Anthology Volume 8

and texting. He should've gotten the message by now. There was nothing left for the two of them to talk about. Devin didn't want him, in spite of kissing Sam like he would die if he didn't, and Sam didn't want to hear any further explanation. Not even the 'full, honest reality' he hadn't seen before that Devin had promised to reveal in his most recent text. It was all a smokescreen to stop Sam from being angry, which wasn't necessary. He wasn't angry, he had never been angry, even when he'd been drunk. He was confused and hurt and questioning why he'd never seen that Devin couldn't return his feelings.
    It had taken a long time for Sam to learn to read people and it was jarring to realize his instincts were wrong when it came to Devin. He supposed it was because he had feelings for him, but there was something else there. Something was wrong with the situation and for the life of him, Sam couldn't figure out what. Just now, he wasn't in the mood to sit down with Devin and have a heart to heart. He needed to get some emotional distance and then he would see.
    "It doesn't matter how many times I check my messages," Sam said. He tossed his phone into his gym bag and shoved it next to Lee's bag with his foot. "Nothing's changing."
    "He clearly wants to talk to you. He's even texting me and you know he never talks to me outside of practice unless he has to," Lee said. "I'm not saying you have to do anything—"
    "Like your advice from before?"
    Lee nodded. "Yeah, but you should at least talk to him one last time. I still think this is a rash decision."
    "Could be. But it's been a few days and I haven't changed my mind," Sam said.
    "You haven't let Devin give you a reason to," Lee responded. "You said it yourself; it takes time for people to get used to big changes. He had no idea how you felt about him until last week."
    "And he still said no," Sam whispered. He closed his eyes as Lee pulled him into a tight hug. The light rubbing on his back felt good, but Sam couldn't let himself relax into the touch. He was too tense because he was going to see Devin soon and he hadn't yet figured out what he was going to say to him.
    "He hasn't stopped calling you since. How will you know if he's had a change of heart if you don't talk to him?"
    Sam leaned back to look at Lee. "I don't want him to tell me he has feelings for me just because he knows I'm unhappy with him."
    "No, you wanted him to stop running away and talk to you and he's trying to do that, but you won't let him." Lee reached up and ruffled Sam's short hair. "You'll never know what could happen if you don't give him a chance."
    I'll never forgive myself if I don't at least listen to what he has to say , Sam thought, letting Lee hold him again. It wasn't fair, that Devin had this kind of hold on Sam and he couldn't return the favor, couldn't turn it off when he needed to do something to restore his peace of mind.
    Lee gave Sam one last squeeze and released him. "He's here. You want to give it a shot now?"
    Sam looked over. Devin had just arrived with Mike and he was watching the two of them. Sam couldn't tell for sure from where he stood, but Devin looked like he hadn't gotten any sleep the night before. His hair was uncombed and he was frowning, ignoring the team members who approached him as he eyed Sam and Lee some distance away. Sam broke eye contact first.
    "I'll go to the house after practice. I need more of my clothes anyway."
    Lee said nothing about that last part, but Sam had heard it all anyway. He could stay with Lee as long as he was upset, as long as it took for him and Devin to get back on an even keel, but he was supposed to go home eventually. The problem was, Sam didn't know if it would ever feel like home again.
    ****
    Truth was a funny thing. It required perspective. Devin had recently acquired a lot of perspective and it changed how he thought of a lot of things. When he saw Lee hugging Sam before practice, he knew now that it was probably a comforting gesture, not Lee coming onto Sam. When Devin recalled how intense Sam used to be when they played chess, he realized the other man had probably considered their games foreplay, since it was one of the few times he'd been guaranteed Devin's undivided attention. And when Sam picked up his bag and ran out of the park after practice, Devin knew it wasn't because he was late for class or he suddenly remembered an appointment. He'd left because being around Devin any longer than he had to be caused him pain.