Me

whole series of challenges I was perhaps not ready to face. To a large degree I was already used to doing what other people expected of me: At the onset of my career, when I always followed the band managers’ instructions, and later, when I did the same for the theater and television directors with whom I worked, with the record producers, the label executives . . . I spent so much time following the advice of others—most of it well-intentioned, thankfully—that without realizing it, I had begun to lose my own identity. I so badly wanted things to go well and to reach the success I had always yearned for that I seldom stopped to consider if I could realistically do—never mind want to do—everything that was expected of me. The years of my rise to fame were an amazing era for me—there’s no doubt about that—but they were also the years when I felt I was beginning to lose sight of where it was all going.

RELENTLESS SCRUTINY
    GUIDANCE FROM THOSE who have walked the path before you is very valuable, and another piece of useful advice Madonna gave me was, “Ricky, if music, art, or your career start to take over your life, disconnect. You have to be the one who controls your career; don’t let it control you.” Of course, Madonna is a very wise woman, and I totally got what she meant, but it was hard for me to put it into practice.
    The year prior to the Grammy Awards, I didn’t feel that music or my career controlled me. The entire world was listening to my songs and I felt I was at my peak, in full control of everything that was in the works. Even so, there were things that gave me a bit of anxiety. I was completely focused on doing everything I could to maintain the extraordinary momentum that had gotten me to this point, but there were still moments when I felt that the workdays were too long, simply because I was incapable of saying no. My manager would show up with an itinerary and I would say yes to everything, without ever stopping to consider the consequences. I was, of course, enjoying my success, but I can’t stop thinking that maybe I was also trying to escape from the heavy emotional burden I carried. Just like when I was in Menudo, when I focused on work all the time because, to a certain degree, I wanted to escape what was happening between my parents, during the craziness of “Livin’ La Vida Loca” I think I was also trying to avoid the ever-lurking contradictory emotions regarding my sexuality. To a certain extent, being busy all the time meant that I didn’t have to think about uncomfortable things.
    It was around that time that I again started to date the wonderful woman whom I had met in Mexico. Being with her always gave me so much peace. There was a lot of love and attraction between us and I felt safe with her. I felt cared for. Focused. During all the time I spent with her, I never looked at anyone else. I never even wanted anyone else, and our relationship really made me feel anchored. It provided me with a stability that I had been missing from my life for a long time, and it allowed me to keep a distance from the attraction I felt for men, which always made me feel so guilty. I felt great when I was with her; I loved her and felt loved by her, so there was no reason for me to think about anything or anyone else.
    But the illusion that I had my career and personal life under control didn’t last long. My relationship with this incredible woman lasted a little while longer, and after a lot of back and forth, we broke up for good. It’s hard to explain what makes a relationship end, and although I clearly see today that my own inner conflicts had a lot to do with it, there are other factors that made us drift apart, and we finally decided—always with a lot of love and affection—to separate.
    And that’s when I began to lose control.
    While my team and I worked nonstop to keep the whole operation moving smoothly, with promotional tours, concerts, and videos, all of a sudden, my personal life became a constant topic for the media. Naturally, the public wanted to know who this Ricky Martin was, this guy everyone was talking about, and so they started to ask. In every single interview I gave around that time, people wanted to know where I was from, what my childhood had been like, what my parents were like, if I had someone special in my life. . . .
    There is a fundamental difference between movie stars and singers that most people don’t realize. When an actor promotes