Me

per hour, to take advantage of the fantastic opportunity that had been given to me, but it was inevitable that I would get to the point where I would just not be able to take it anymore. And just as it is important to know how to accept things that destiny sends us, it is also crucial to know when to stop and take a step back from that which could harm us. The success I had achieved was monumental and nourished me in a very particular way, but it was also leaving some invisible wounds in its wake that would require some time to heal. All the mania lasted more or less two years, by the end of which I was completely empty and numb. In fact, I didn’t want to feel anything anymore. I did everything I had to do without thinking, practically on autopilot. The only thing that truly gave me pleasure was being onstage. It was the only place in the world where I felt utterly free. That’s where I did exactly what I liked to do, how I liked to do it, when I wanted to do it, and the energy of the audience always fed my soul. That is when I again became Kiki, the little boy in his grandparents’ house having a good time, making jokes, dancing and singing. Onstage, I felt strong and free to be who I am, how I am, without any fears or pretenses. But later, when the show would end, I’d rush back home to hide and disconnect. Everything always hurt, and although no one could really see it, internally I was suffering. Most people can’t imagine that it is possible to be surrounded by people at almost all times and yet still feel completely alone. Or that being on the road isn’t always as glamorous as it looks. After a while, you just want to sleep in your own bed.
    I didn’t want to go on, but to any proposal that came my way I would always say, “Yes, yes, let’s go! I am ready.” In some ways, this behavior was a result of my “military training,” but I was also clearly trying to escape from the pain I carried deep inside. As long as I was always working, I had no sense of what I was really feeling. Deep down I was afraid of what I might find. So I’d concentrate on what “I had to do” and just kept moving forward.
    Today it is very easy to see where this path was leading me. I realize that with Sound Loaded many mistakes were made and many decisions were hastily made. It was way too soon to come out with another album. In fact, it was so soon that when the first single was released, many people thought it was a song from the previous album, Ricky Martin . After the megasuccess of Ricky Martin , it was important to let some time pass before releasing a second record. I should have stopped, even for just a little bit. However, the record label needed its next hit, and when they pushed me to do it, I didn’t say no. I didn’t really want to stop, because stopping would have forced me to think about all kinds of things I did not want to analyze.

FOUR
    TAKING CONTROL OF MY LIFE
    BEING AN ARTIST MEANS YOU ARE CONSTANTLY LOOKING for the approval of others. Be it in music, writing, painting, or dance, art, by definition, seeks to interact and connect with its audience. For me, this is a fundamental aspect of what I do. The moments I am happiest are when I find myself on a stage, surrounded by my musicians, and facing a massive audience that is worked up and genuinely excited about my music. I love feeling that the people enjoy my music, that it means something in their lives, and that we are in some way connecting. When someone likes what I do, that feeds my soul.
    There are artists who say they create music or make their art for themselves, and that the public’s approval is irrelevant. Even though it is a point of view I fully respect, I don’t share in this belief. I am a performer because I love my music and I love to dance, but if no one else liked it, I wouldn’t feel so good. Call it ego, fear of failure, the need to be accepted, or whatever you like, but I honestly feel that music has to create a real connection with the world around it.
    That’s why, when “María” took off, then “La Copa de la Vida” and later “Livin’ La Vida Loca,” I was overjoyed. All of this work, the travel, the hours spent in the studio, giving interviews, photo sessions . . . I was now reaping the rewards of all the work and I felt deeply that I was living through a uniquely extraordinary moment, a veritable blessing. However, that moment—the moment I had longed for with every last bit of my will—brought with it a