Men at Arms

glared.
    “You’re just the sort I was looking for,” Carrot went on.
    Colon gripped his helmet like a size #10 limpet trying to crawl up into a size #1 shell. Bauxite was an avalanche with feet.
    “You’re conscripted,” said Carrot.
    Colon peeked out from under the brim.
    “Report to Corporal Nobbs for your weapons. Lance-Constable Detritus will administer the oath.” He stood back. “Welcome to the Citizens’ Watch. Remember, every lance-constable has a field-marshal’s baton in his knapsack.”
    The trolls hadn’t moved.
    “Ain’t gonna be inna Watch,” said Bauxite.
    “Officer material if ever I saw it,” said Carrot.
    “Hey, you can’t put them in the Watch!” shouted a dwarf from the crowd.
    “Why, hello, Mr. Stronginthearm,” said Carrot. “Good to see community leaders here. Why can’t they be in the militia?”
    All the trolls listened intently. Stronginthearm realized that he was suddenly the center of attention, and hesitated.
    “Well…you’ve only got the one dwarf, for one thing…” he began.
    “ I’m a dwarf,” said Carrot, “technically.”
    Stronginthearm looked a little nervous. The whole issue of Carrot’s keenly embraced dwarfishness was a difficult one for the more politically minded dwarfs.
    “You’re a bit big,” he said lamely.
    “Big? What’s size got to do with being a dwarf?” Carrot demanded.
    “Um…a lot?” whispered Cuddy.
    “Good point,” said Carrot. “That’s a good point.” He scanned the faces. “Right. We need some honest, law-abiding dwarfs…you there…”
    “Me?” said an unwary dwarf.
    “Have you got any previous convictions?”
    “Well, I dunno…I suppose I used to believe very firmly that a penny saved is a penny earned—”
    “Good. And I’ll take…you two…and you. Four more dwarfs, yes? Can’t complain about that, eh?”
    “Ain’t gonna be inna Watch,” said Bauxite again, but uncertainty modulated his tone.
    “You trolls can’t leave now,” said Detritus. “Otherwise, too many dwarfs. That’s numbers , that is.”
    “I’m not joining any Watch!” said a dwarf.
    “Not man enough, eh?” said Cuddy.

“What? I’m as good as any bloody troll any day!”
    “Right, that’s sorted out then,” said Carrot, rubbing his hands together. “Acting-Constable Cuddy?”
    “Sir?”
    “Hey,” said Detritus, “how come he suddenly full constable?”
    “Since he was in charge of the dwarf recruits,” said Carrot. “And you’re in charge of the troll recruits, Acting-Constable Detritus.”
    “I full acting-constable in charge of the troll recruits?”
    “Of course. Now, if you would step out of the way, Lance-Constable Bauxite—”
    Behind Carrot, Detritus drew a big proud breath.
    “Ain’t gonna—”
    “Lance-Constable Bauxite! You horrible big troll! You standing up straight! You saluting right now! You stepping out of the way of Corporal Carrot! You two troll, you come here! Wurn…two-er…tree…four-er! You in the Watch now! Aaargh, I cannot believe it what my eye it seeing! Where you from, Bauxite?”
    “Slice Mountain, but—”
    “Slice Mountain! Slice Mountain ? Only…” Detritus looked at his fingers for a moment, and rammed them behind his back. “Only two-er things come from Slice Mountain! Rocks…an’…an’…” he struck out wildly, “other sortsa rocks! What kind you , Bauxite?”
    “What the hell’s going on here?”
    The Watch House door had opened. Captain Quirke emerged, sword in hand.
    “ You two horrible troll! You raise your hand right now, you repeat troll oath —”
    “Ah, captain,” said Carrot. “Can we have a word?”
    “You’re in real trouble, Corporal Carrot,” snarled Quirke. “Who do you think you are?”
    “ I will do what I told —”
    “Don’t wanna be inna—”
    Wham!
    “ I will do what I told —”
    “Just the man on the spot, captain,” said Carrot cheerfully.
    “Well, man on the spot, I’m the senior officer here, and you can damn well—”
    “Interesting point,” said Carrot. He produced his black book. “I’m relieving you of your command.”
    “— otherwise I get my goohuloog head kicked in .”
    “— otherwise I get my goohuloog head kicked in .”
    “Wha—? Are you mad?”
    “No, sir, but I’m choosing to believe that you are. There are regulations laid down for this eventuality.”
    “Where is your authority?” Quirke stared at the crowd. “Hah! I suppose you’ll say this armed mob is your authority,