Midnights Children

caring, crashing on to tarmac, restored to innocence and purity by a tumbling piece of the moon, wiped clean as a wooden writing-chest, brained (just as prophesied) by my mother’s silver spittoon.
    On the morning of September 23rd, the United Nations announced the end of hostilities between India and Pakistan. India had occupied less than 500 square miles of Pakistani soil; Pakistan had conquered just 340 square miles of its Kashmiri dream. It was said that the ceasefire came because both sides had run out of ammunition, more or less simultaneously; thus the exigencies of international diplomacy, and the politically-motivated manipulations of arms suppliers, prevented the wholesale annihilation of my family. Some of us survived, because nobody sold our would-be assassins the bombs bullets aircraft necessary for the completion of our destruction.
    Six years later, however, there was another war.

BOOK THREE

The Buddha
    O BVIOUSLY ENOUGH (because otherwise I should have to introduce at this point some fantastic explanation of my continued presence in this “mortal coil”), you may number me amongst those whom the war of ’65 failed to obliterate. Spittoon-brained, Saleem suffered a merely partial erasure, and was only wiped clean whilst others, less fortunate, were wiped out; unconscious in the night-shadow of a mosque, I was saved by the exhaustion of ammunition dumps.
    Tears—which, in the absence of the Kashmiri cold, have absolutely no chance of hardening into diamonds—slide down the bosomy contours of Padma’s cheeks. “O, mister, this war tamasha, kills the best and leaves the rest!” Looking as though hordes of snails have recently crawled down from her reddened eyes, leaving their glutinous shiny trails upon her face, Padma mourns my bomb-flattened clan. I remain dry-eyed as usual, graciously refusing to rise to the unintentional insult implied by Padma’s lachrymose exclamation.
    “Mourn for the living,” I rebuke her gently, “The dead have their camphor gardens.” Grieve for Saleem! Who, barred from celestial lawns by the continued beating of his heart, awoke once again amid the clammy metallic fragrances of a hospital ward; for whom there were no houris, untouched by man or djinn, to provide the promised consolations of eternity—I was lucky to receive the grudging, bedpan-clattering ministrations of a bulky male nurse who, while bandaging my head, muttered sourly that, war or no war, the doctor sahibs liked going to their beach shacks on Sundays. “Better you’d stayed knocked out one more day,” he mouthed, before moving further down the ward to spread more good cheer.
    Grieve for Saleem—who, orphaned and purified, deprived of the hundred daily pin-pricks of family life, which alone could deflate the great ballooning fantasy of history and bring it down to a more manageably human scale, had been pulled up by his roots to be flung unceremoniously across the years, fated to plunge memoryless into an adulthood whose every aspect grew daily more grotesque.
    Fresh snail-tracks on Padma’s cheeks. Obliged to attempt some sort of “There, there,” I resort to movie-trailers. (How I loved them at the old Metro Club Club! O smacking of lips at the sight of the title NEXT ATTRACTION , superimposed on undulating blue velvet! O anticipatory salivation before screens trumpeting COMING SOON !—Because the promise of exotic futures has always seemed, to my mind, the perfect antidote to the disappointments of the present.) “Stop, stop,” I exhort my mournfully squatting audience, “I’m not finished yet! There is to be electrocution and a rain-forest; a pyramid of heads on a field impregnated by leaky marrowbones; narrow escapes are coming, and a minaret that screamed! Padma, there is still plenty worth telling: my further trials, in the basket of invisibility and in the shadow of another mosque; wait for the premonitions of Resham Bibi and the pout of Parvati-the-witch! Fatherhood and treason also, and of course that unavoidable Widow, who added to my history of drainage-above the final ignominy of voiding-below … in short, there are still next-attractions and coming-soons galore; a chapter ends when one’s parents die, but a new kind of chapter also begins.”
    Somewhat consoled by my offers of novelty, my Padma sniffs; wipes away mollusc-slime, dries eyes; breathes in deeply … and, for the spitton-brained fellow we last met in his hospital bed, approximately five years pass before