Midnights Children

this single barefaced lie? (Because, in actuality, I’ve no idea where my changeling-rival went after the Widows’ Hostel; he could be in hell or the brothel down the road and I wouldn’t know the difference.) Padma, try and understand: I’m still terrified of him. There is unfinished business between us, and I spend my days quivering at the thought that the war hero might somehow have discovered the secret of his birth—was he ever shown a file bearing three tell-tale initials?—and that, roused to wrath by the irrecoverable loss of his past, he might come looking for me to exact a stifling revenge … is that how it will end, with the life being crushed out of me by a pair of superhuman, merciless knees?
    That’s why I fibbed, anyway; for the first time, I fell victim to the temptation of every autobiographer, to the illusion that since the past exists only in one’s memories and the words which strive vainly to encapsulate them, it is possible to create past events simply by saying they occurred. My present fear put a gun into Roshanara Shetty’s hand; with the ghost of Commander Sabarmati looking over my shoulder, I enabled her to bribe coquette worm her way into his cell … in short, the memory of one of my earliest crimes created the (fictitious) circumstances of my last.
    End of confession: and now I’m getting perilously close to the end of my reminiscences. It’s night; Padma is in position; on the wall above my head, a lizard has just gobbled up a fly; the festering heat of August, which is enough to pickle one’s brains, bubbles merrily between my ears; and five minutes ago the last local train yellow-and-browned its way south to Churchgate Station, so that I did not hear what Padma said with a shyness cloaking a determination as powerful as oil. I had to ask her to repeat herself, and the muscles of disbelief began to nictate in her calves. I must at once record that our dung-lotus has proposed marriage, “so that I can look after you without going to shame in the eyes of the world.”
    Just as I feared! But it’s out in the open now, and Padma (I can tell) will not take no for an answer. I have been protesting like a blushing virgin: “So unexpected!—and what about ectomy, and what was fed to pie-dogs: don’t you mind?—and Padma, Padma, there is still what-chews-on-bones, it will turn you into a widow!—and just think one moment, there is the curse of violent death, think of Parvati—are you sure, are you sure you’re sure … ?” But Padma, her jaw set in the concrete of a majestically unshakeable resolve, replied: “You listen to me, mister—but me no buts! Never mind all that fancy talk any more. There is the future to think of.” The honeymoon is to be in Kashmir.
    In the burning heat of Padma’s determination, I am assailed by the demented notion that it might be possible, after all, that she may be capable of altering the ending of my story by the phenomenal force of her will, that cracks—and death itself—might yield to the power of her unquenchable solicitude … “There is the future to think of,” she warned me—and maybe (I permit myself to think for the first time since I began this narrative)—maybe there is! An infinity of new endings clusters around my head, buzzing like heat-insects … “Let us be married, mister,” she proposed, and moths of excitement stirred in my guts, as if she had spoken some cabbalistic formula, some awesome abracadabra, and released me from my fate—but reality is nagging at me. Love does not conquer all, except in the Bombay talkies; rip tear crunch will not be defeated by a mere ceremony; and optimism is a disease.
    “On your birthday, how about?” she is suggesting. “At thirty-one, a man is a man, and is supposed to have a wife.”
    How am I to tell her? How can I say, there are other plans for that day, I am have always been in the grip of a form-crazy destiny which enjoys wreaking its havoc on numinous days … in short, how am I to tell her about death? I cannot; instead, meekly and with every appearance of gratitude, I accept her proposal. I am, this evening, a man newly affianced; let no one think harshly of me for permitting myself—and my betrothed lotus—this last, vain, inconsequential pleasure.
    Padma, by proposing a marriage, revealed her willingness to dismiss everything I’ve told her about my past as just so much “fancy talk”; and when I returned to find Picture Singh beaming in the shadow of a