Monstrous Regiment

vaguely toward the far wall, where four of the soldiers cowered under the gaze of Tonker. They had been manacled together.
    The last soldier was lying on a table, with Igor at work on him with a needle and thread.
    “How’s he coming along, Private?” said Jackrum.
    “He’ll be fine, Tharge,” said Igor. “It looked worthe than it wath, really. Jutht ath well, because until we get to the battlefield I won’t get any thpareth.”
    “Got a couple of legs for ol’ Threeparts?” said Jackrum.
    “Now then Sarge, none of that,” said Scallot evenly. He was sitting on the other side of the fireplace. “You just leave me their horses and saddles. Your lads could do with their sabers, I’ve no doubt.”
    “They were looking for us, Sarge,” said Polly. “We’re just a bunch of untrained recruits and they were looking for us. I could’ve been killed , Sarge!”
    “No, I know talent when I sees it,” said Jackrum. “Well done, lad. Had to piss off myself, on account of a big man in full enemy uniform isn’t easy to miss. Besides, you lads needed to be woke up. That’s milit’ry thinking , that is.”
    “But if I hadn’t…” Polly hesitated. “If I hadn’t tricked them, they might’ve killed the lieutenant!”
    “See? There’s always a positive side, any way you look at it,” said Scallot.
    The sergeant stood up, wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, and hitched up his belt. He ambled over to the captain, reached down, and lifted him up by his jacket.
    “Why were you looking for these boys, sir?” he enquired.
    The captain opened his eye and focused on the fat man.
    “I am an officer and a gentleman, sergeant,” he muttered. “There are rules. ”
    “Not many gentlemen around here at this moment, sir,” said the sergeant.
    “Damn right,” whispered Maladict. Polly, feeling drunk with relief and released tension, had to put her hand over her mouth to stop giggling.
    “Oh, yeah. The rules. Prisoners of war and that,” Jackrum went on. “That means you even have to eat the same things as us, you poor devils. So you’re not going to talk to me?”
    “I am…Captain Horentz of the First Heavy Dragoons. I’ll say nothing more.” And something about the way he said it elbowed Polly in the brain. He’s lying.
    Jackrum stared at him blankly for a moment, and then said: “Well, now…it looks like what we have here is an embuggerance which, my lads of the Cheesemongers, is defined as an obstruction in the way of progress. I propose to deal with it in this wise!”
    He let go of the man’s jacket and the captain fell back.
    Sergeant Jackrum removed his hat. Then he removed his jacket, too, revealing a stained shirt and bright-red suspenders. He was still almost spherical; from his neck, folds of skin lapped their way down to the tropical regions. The belt must have been there just to conform to regulations, Polly thought.
    He reached up and undid a piece of string from around his neck. It was looped through a hole in a tarnished coin.
    “Corporal Scallot!” he said.
    “Yes, Sarge!” said Scallot, saluting.
    “You will note I am divestering myself of my insignia and am handing you my official shilling, which means, since last time I signed up it was for twelve years and that was sixteen years ago, I am now fully and legally a damn civilian!”
    “Yes, Mister Jackrum,” said Scallop cheerfully.
    Among the prisoners, heads jerked up at the sound of the name.
    “And that being the case, and since you, Captain, are invading our country by night, under the cover of darkness, and I am a humble civilian, I think there’s no rule to stop me beating seven kinds of crap out of you until you tell me why you came here and when the rest of your mates are going to arrive. And that may take me some time, sir, because up until now I’ve only ever discovered five types of crap.” He rolled up his sleeves, hauled up the captain again, and drew back a fist—
    “We just had to take the recruits into custody,” said a voice. “We weren’t going to hurt them! Now put him down, Jackrum, damn you! He’s still seeing stars!”
    It was the sergeant from the inn. Polly looked at the other prisoners. Even with Carborundum and Maladict watching them, and Tonker glowering at them, there was a definite sense that the first blow landed on the captain was going to start a riot. And Polly thought: they are very protective, aren’t they…
    Jackrum must have picked it up, too.
    “Ah, now we’re