Monstrous Regiment

her head and tossed it behind the bar. Now she wasn’t a soldier, at least. And, as the door was shaken against the bolt, she saw something white lying in the debris.
    It was a terrible temptation…
    The door burst open at the second blow, but the soldiers didn’t immediately enter. Lying under the bar, struggling to put the petticoat on over rolled-up trousers, Polly tried to make sense of the sounds.
    As far as she could tell from the rustles and thuds, anyone waiting inside the doorway with ambush in mind would have been briefly and terminally sorry.
    She tried to count the invaders; it sounded as though there were at least three. In the tense silence, the sound of a voice speaking in normal tones came as a shock.
    “We heard the bolt slide across. That means you’re in here somewhere. Make it easy on yourself. We don’t want to have to come and find you.”
    I don’t want you to either, Polly thought. I’m not a soldier! Go away! And then the next thought was: what do you mean, you’re not a soldier? You took the shilling and kissed the picture, didn’t you?
    And suddenly an arm had reached over the bar and grabbed her. At least, she didn’t have to act.
    “No! Please, sir! Don’t hurt me! I just got frightened! Please!”
    But inside there was a certain…sock-ness that felt ashamed and wanted to kick out.
    “Ye gods, what are you?” said the cavalryman, pulling her upright and looking at her as if she was some kind of exhibit.
    “Polly, sir! Barmaid, sir! Only they cleared out and left me!”
    “Keep the noise down, girl!”
    Polly nodded. The last thing she needed now was Blouse to run down the stairs with his saber and Fencing for Beginners .
    “Yes, sir,” she squeaked.
    “Barmaid, eh? Three pints of what you’d probably call your finest ale, then.”
    That at least could happen on automatic. She’d seen the mugs under the bar, and the barrels were behind her. The beer was thin and sharp but probably wouldn’t dissolve a penny.
    The cavalryman watched her closely as she filled the mugs.
    “What happened to your hair?” he said.
    Polly had been ready for this.
    “Oh, sir, they cut it off, sir! ’Cos I smiled at a Zlobenian trooper, sir!”
    “Here?”
    “In Drok, sir.” It was a town much nearer the border. “And me mam said it was shaming to the family and I got sent here, sir!”
    Her hands shook as she put the mugs on the bar, and she was hardly exaggerating. Hardly…but a bit, nevertheless. You’re acting like a girl , she thought. Keep it up!
    Now she could take stock of the invaders. They wore dark blue uniforms, and big boots, and heavy calvary helmets. One of them was standing by the shuttered windows. The other two were watching her. One had a sergeant’s stripes and an expression of deep suspicion. The one who’d grabbed her was a captain.
    “This is terrible beer, girl,” he said, sniffing the mug.
    “Yes, sir, I know, sir,” Polly gabbled. “They wouldn’t listen to me, sir, and said you have to put a damp sheet over the barrels in this thundery weather, sir, and Molly never cleans the spigot and—”
    “This town’s empty, you know that?”
    “They all scarpered, sir,” said Polly earnestly. “Gonna be a invasion, sir. Everybody says. They’re frightened of you, sir.”
    “Except you, eh?” said the sergeant.
    “What’s your name, girl who smiles at Zlobenian troopers?” said the captain, smiling.
    “Polly, sir,” said Polly. Her questing hand found what it was seeking under the bar. It was the barman’s friend. There was always one.
    “And are you frightened of me, Polly?” said the captain. There was a snigger from the soldier by the window.
    The captain had a well-trimmed moustache that had been waxed to points, and was over six feet tall, Polly reckoned. He had a pretty smile, too, which was somehow improved by the scar on his face. A circle of glass covered one eye.
    Her hand gripped the hidden cudgel.
    “No, sir,” she said, looking back into one eye and one glass. “Er…what that glass for, sir?”
    “It’s a monocle,” said the captain. “It helps me see you, for which I am eternally grateful. I always say that if I had two I’d make a spectacle of myself.”
    That got a dutiful laugh from the sergeant. Polly looked blank.
    “And are you going to tell me where the recruits are?” said the captain.
    She forced her expression not to change.
    “No.”
    The captain smiled. He had good teeth, but there was, now, no warmth in