Monstrous Regiment

things. She suspected that time was going to be in short supply.
    Blouse was still sitting there with his breeches half on, staring at her.
    “Run that past me again one more time, will you, Perks?” he said. “You have captured some of the enemy?”
    “Not just me, sir, I only got two of ’em,” said Polly. “We all, er, piled in, sir.”
    “Heavy Dragoons?”
    “Yessir.”
    “That’s the prince’s personal regiment! They’ve invaded?”
    “I think it was more of a patrol, sir. Seven men.”
    “And none of you are hurt?”
    “Nosir.”
    “Pass me my shirt! Oh, blast!”
    It was then that Polly noticed the bandage around his right hand. It was red with blood. He saw her expression.
    “Bit of a self-inflicted wound, Perks,” he said nervously. “‘Brushing up’ on my sword drill after supper. Nothing serious. Just a bit ‘rusty,’ you know. Can’t quite manage buttons. If you would be so good…”
    Polly helped the lieutenant struggle into the rest of his clothes, and threw his few other possessions in a bag. It took a special kind of man, she reflected, to cut his sword hand with his own sword.
    “I should pay my bill…” the lieutenant muttered as they hurried down the darkened stairs.
    “Can’t, sir. Everyone’s fled, sir.”
    “Perhaps I should leave them a note, do you think? I wouldn’t like them to think that I had ‘done a runner’ without—”
    “They’ve all gone , sir!” said Polly, pushing him toward the front door.
    She stopped outside the barracks, straightened his coat, and stared at his face.
    “Did you wash last night, sir?”
    “There was no—” Blouse began.
    The response was automatic. Even though she was fifteen months younger, she’d mothered Paul for too long.
    “Handkerchief!” she demanded. And, since some things get programmed into the brain at an early age, one was obediently produced.
    “Spit!” Polly commanded. Then she used the damp hanky to wipe a mark off Blouse’s face and realized, as she was doing it, that she was doing it. There was no going back. The only way out was ahead.
    “All right,” she said brusquely. “Have you got everything?”
    “Yes, Perks.”
    “Have you been to the privy this morning?” her mouth went on, while her brain cowered in fear of a court-martial. I’m in shock, she thought, and so’s he. So you cling to what you know. And you can’t stop…
    “No, Perks,” said the lieutenant.
    “Then you must go properly before we get on the boat, all right?”
    “Yes, Perks.”
    “In you go, then, there’s a good lieutenant.”
    She leaned against the wall and got her breath back in a few hurried gulps as Blouse stepped into the building, then slipped in after him.
    “Officer present!” Jackrum barked. The squad, already lined up, stood to varying degrees of attention.
    The sergeant crashed to attention in front of Blouse, causing the young man to sway backward.
    “Apprehended enemy scouting party, sir! Dangerous business all round, sir! In view of the emergency nature of the emergency, sir, and seeing as how you have no NCO what with Corporal Strappi having scarpered, and seeing as how I’m an old soldier in good standing, you are allowed to conscript me as an auxiliary under Duchess’s Regulations, Rule 796, Section 3[a], Paragraph ii, sir, thank you, sir!”
    “What?” said Blouse, staring around blearily and becoming aware that in a world of sudden turmoil there was a big red coat that seemed to know what it was doing. “Oh, yes. Fine. Rule 796, you say? Absolutely. Well done. Carry on, Sergeant.”
    “Are you in command here?” barked Horentz, standing.
    “Indeed I am, Captain,” said Blouse.
    Horentz looked him up and down.
    “You?” he said, disdain oozing from the word.
    “Indeed, sir,” said Blouse, his eyes narrowing.
    “Oh well, we shall have to do what we can. I am Captain Horentz and that fat bastard,” said Horentz, pointing a threatening finger at Jackrum, “that bastard offered me violence! As a prisoner! In chains! And that …boy ,” the captain added, spitting the word toward Polly, “kicked me in the privates and almost clubbed me to death! I demand that you let us go!”
    Blouse turned to Polly.
    “Did you kick Captain Horentz in the ‘privates,’ Parts?”
    “Er…yessir. Kneed, actually. And it’s Perks, actually, sir, although I can see why you made the mistake.”
    “What was he doing at the time?”
    “Er…embracing me, sir.” Polly saw Blouse’s