Monstrous Regiment

army all across the plain.
    They couldn’t retreat, and the alliance, if that’s what you could call the petulant hubbub, didn’t dare head up the valley into the heart of the country with that army at their back, yet didn’t have enough men to hold the Keep and corral the enemy.
    And in a few weeks it would start to snow. The passes would fill up. Nothing would be able to get though. And every day, thousands of men and horses would need feeding. Of course, the men could, eventually, eat the horses, thus settling two feeding problems at a stroke. After that, there would have to be the good ol’ leg rota, which, Vimes understood from one of the friendlier Zlobenians, was a common feature of winter warfare up here. Since he was Captain “Hopalong” Splatzer, Vimes believed him.
    And then it would rain, and then the rain and the snowmelt together would turn the damn river into a flood. But, before that, the alliance would have bickered itself apart and gone home. All the Borogravians had to do, in fact, was hold their ground to score a draw.
    He swore under his breath. Prince Heinrich had inherited the throne in a country where the chief export was a kind of hand-painted wooden clog, but in ten years, he vowed, his capital city of Rigour would be “the Ankh-Morpork of the mountains!”
    For some reason, he thought Ankh-Morpork would be pleased about this.
    He was anxious, he said, to learn the Ankh-Morpork way of doing things, the kind of innocent ambition that could well lead to an aspiring ruler…well, finding out the Ankh-Morpork way of doing things. Heinrich had a reputation locally for cunning, but Ankh-Morpork had overtaken cunning a thousand years ago, had sped past devious, had left artful far behind, and had now, by a roundabout route, arrived at straightforward.
    Vimes leafed through the papers on his desk, and looked up, where he heard a shrill, harsh cry outside.
    A buzzard came in a long, shallow swoop through the open window and alighted on a makeshift perch at the far end of the room.
    Vimes strolled over as the little figure on the bird’s back raised his flying goggles.
    “How’s it going, Buggy?” he said.
    “They’re getting suspicious, Mister Vimes. And Sergeant Angua says it’s getting a bit risky now they’re so close.”
    “Tell her to come on in, then.”
    “Right, sir. And they still need coffee.”
    “Oh, damn! Haven’t they found any? ”
    “No, sir, and it’s getting tricky with the vampire.”
    “Well, if they’re suspicious now then they’ll be certain if we drop a flask of coffee on them!”
    “Sergeant Angua says we’ll probably get away with it, sir. She didn’t say why.” The gnome looked expectantly at Vimes. So did his buzzard. “They’ve come a long way, sir. For a bunch of girls. Well…mostly girls.”
    Vimes reached out absentmindedly to pet the bird.
    “Don’t, sir! She’ll have your thumb off!” Buggy yelled.
    There was a knock on the door, and Reg came in with a tray of raw meat.
    “Saw Buggy overhead, so I thought I’d nip down to the kitchens, sir.”
    “Well done, Reg. Don’t they ask why you want raw meat?”
    “Yes, sir. I tell them you eat it, sir.”
    Vimes paused before answering. Reg meant well, after all.
    “Well, it probably can’t do my reputation any harm,” he said. “By the way, what was going down in the crypt?”
    “Oh, they’re not what I’d call proper zombies, sir,” said Reg, selecting a piece of meat and dangling it in front of Morag. “More like dead men walking.”
    “Er…yes?” said Vimes.
    “I mean there’s no real thinking going on,” the zombie went on, picking up another lump of raw rabbit. “No embracing the opportunities of a life beyond the grave, sir. They’re just a lot of old memories on legs. That sort of thing gives zombies a bad name, Mister Vimes. It makes me so angry! ” Morag tried to snap at another lump of bloody rabbit fur that Reg, oblivious for the moment, was waving aimlessly.
    “Er…Reg?” said Buggy.
    “How hard can it be, sir, to move with the times? Now take me, for example. One day I woke up dead. Did I—”
    “Reg!” Vimes warned as Morag’s head bobbed back and forth.
    “—take it lying down? No! And I didn’t—”
    “Reg, be careful! She’s just had two of your fingers off!”
    “What? Oh.” Reg held up a denuded hand and stared at it. “Oh, now, will you look at that?” He peered down at the floor, with a hope that was quickly dashed. “Blast.