My Kind of Christmas

good. I kept finding things I couldn’t resist—perfect presents. I went through a ton of stores and bought armloads of things and then… Oh, God, Paddy! I realized I’d bought presents for Jake!” And she melted into tears.
    “It’s okay, Marie,” he said. “It’s okay....”
    “Shirts and sweaters and pants and shoes. Electronic stuff he would love. All for Jake. Like I was going to go home, wrap it all up, put it under the tree and he’d—” He could hear the sobs across the phone line.
    “You can take it all back,” he said, trying to reassure her, to comfort her.
    “I don’t want to take it back! I want him to come home!”
    “Aw, Marie…”
    “Do you ever ask yourself if it’s true? If he’s really gone?”
    He shook his head, although she couldn’t see him. This might be a good time to tell her Jake sometimes visited his dreams, joked around with him, poked fun at him. But then again, no…
    “Unfortunately, I know he’s gone,” he said quietly. “But I think I’d rather forget that sometimes and buy him Christmas presents by accident.”
    “No, you wouldn’t.”
    “If I could have an hour of him being alive, I’d take it.”
    “I don’t know what to do,” she whimpered.
    “Ask your mom or sister to return those things, Marie. Or give them to charity and send me the bill. If it makes you feel better to look at them, touch them, fondle them for a while, then do that for a week or so. It’s Christmas—it’s hard. But it’ll pass.” He wiped at his eye.
    “For a while it really felt like he was alive,” she said weakly. “What’s the matter with me?”
    “Nothing,” he insisted. “Normal confusion—he was your soul mate. The loss is… It’s just hard, especially right now. You talk to anyone in your grief group?”
    “I don’t want to right now. I just want to…you know…”
    He chuckled through a fat tear. “Wallow?”
    She chuckled back but it caught on a hiccup. “Exactly.”
    Patrick found himself thinking about their shared grief, how quickly sobs could turn into laughter and vice versa. They’d done this together since Jake’s death. Even though Marie had a loving family, it was Patrick and Marie together who mourned Jake the most, the hardest. Even little Daniel, at barely two, didn’t really feel the loss. His father had been deployed so much of his young life, anyway.
    “Maybe you should sleep with the presents you bought,” he said, teasing.
    “Or wear them?” she teased back. “Oh, God, it’s so embarrassing. I’m afraid if I tell my mom how I lost my mind, she’ll put me in a treatment center.”
    “Nah, she won’t do that. But you better not tell her until you’re ready to part with all those presents. Hey, I think I’m Jake’s size....”
    “Nice try—I didn’t buy those things for you.”
    “But I’m coming for Christmas. You don’t have to get anything, but if you’re already loaded up… What electronics?”
    “Stop,” she said, laughing. “Oh, Paddy, no one can bring me back to life like you can. What would I do without you? I love you so much. But I’ve already told you, you don’t have to come for Christmas.”
    “Why the hell not? Aren’t you looking forward to seeing me again?”
    “Patrick, of course, but you have family. Spend time with them while you can.”
    “You’re my family. I promised Jake a long time ago that if anything ever happened to him, I’d take good care of you.”
    “Oh, Paddy, if only you could give me what I need. I love you, and you’re my dearest friend, but we have to find a way to move on.” She sniffed loudly. “It’s hard right now, but we’ll do it. We’ll find a way to do it.”
    “I’m coming,” he said. “My family has other plans.”
    “Patrick,” she said. “You are pure gold.”
    “No, I’m not—I already have my ticket. I’m reserved at the motel.”
    “I’m just not sure this would be good for either one of us. I don’t want to depend on you too much.”
    “It’ll be good,” he said. “I guarantee it.”
    After a little more chat, they said goodbye and Patrick sat in his small living room and thought about her pain and loneliness. He had to be there for her and he would be. Maybe with a little more time he could convince her that together they could keep Jake alive and have a good life.
    For the second time in twenty-four hours he made up his mind—the best thing would be to set Angie free to pursue her dreams while he went to Charleston by