My Secret Lover

this question. There may be a d)
I haven't thought of. Oh yes!
     
    d) give me all the money? Not really!
     
    My position is that a million dollars
is a lot, although not enough to buy a house in Notting Hill. And there is the
question of his skin which has gone rather odd as he's got older. I don't know
why he hasn't had a chemical peel.
     
    By the way is a million more or less
than you are worth on paper? I think I ought to know. If only for legal
reasons. We could have a pre-nup, if you want, although frankly I'm finding it
difficult enough to choose a dress.
     
    Whilst we're on the subject, do you
actually love me, or do you just say it:
     
    a) after sex?
    b) when you're about to come?
    c) after sex (post, as opposed to
wanting it)?
     
    I'll tell you why it matters. It
matters because we've never talked about children, which would be normal,
wouldn't it?
     
    Certainly something to think about.
     
    What about Malibu for our honeymoon?
     
    I've invented a new liqueur coffee,
by the way.
     
    Sometimes you need the clarity that
alcohol can bring. I would never use the word furnish normally.
     
    Anyway, New Year must end in time for
Lent. LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
     
    Yes, that seems to set it all out in
a not-too-heavy way.
     
    Click SEND.

9
     
    Joanna is receiving the Whitbread
Prize for a book she has written in her spare time, and I am at the reception,
which is taking place in the school hall. Everyone keeps asking me if I’m proud
of her, and of course I am, but I can’t seem to remember the title, and every
sentence I utter involves having to allude to it. Finally, the cover flashes up
on stage behind the interview she is doing with Carol Smillie, I see that the
book is called simply How to Be.
    Of course it is.
     
    I wake up slumped on my keyboard with
the sensation that I have very definitely done something I should not have
done.
     
    There is one new entry in my Sent
Messages Box.
     
    Malibu
     
    Maybe it’s not as bad I think.
    I open it and read it through.
    It is in fact worse.
    There are no new messages in my
Inbox. Yet.
    If only I knew a computer expert, I
could hack into Andy’s Inbox and delete Malibu , but Andy is the only computer expert I know.
     
    ‘Promise me one thing,’ says
Michelle.
    ‘What?’
    ‘Never click on SEND when you’re
drunk. You should have had that as your New Year’s Resolution. When you’re
pissed you have this uncontrollable urge to tell it like it is, don’t you? You
just can’t stop your-self.’
    ‘Better than getting pregnant every
time, though.’ Not very nice, I know, but she’s not exactly being sensitive and
I’m regretting showing her my Sent Messages.
    ‘I didn’t realize you were so
bothered about the question of children,’ she says, reading through Malibu again.
    ‘I’m not.’
    I sign out and shut down.
    For Lent I am going to give up
discussing my personal life with Michelle. She is worse than my mother. And
she’s staring at me now with a concerned look, trying to make me crack and
contradict myself.
    ‘Do you want to see Michaela’s
ultrasound?’ Michelle asks.
    ‘Go on then.’
    It’s like one of those pictures from
the Hubble telescope which looks like a bit of cloud but tells scientists that
the universe is dramatically older than they thought.
    ‘Beautiful, isn’t she?’
    ‘Does she know it’s a girl?’
    ‘Well, you can’t see anything, can
you?’
    ‘No.’
    I can’t really make out which bit is
the head, let alone whether there’s a penis.
    ‘They’re ninety-nine per cent
certain. And shall I tell you a secret?’
    ‘Don’t if it’s Michaela’s secret...’
    ‘She’s going to call her Lydia!’
    ‘No!’
    ‘Only as a second name.’
    I stare at the black-and-white
Polaroid, feeling soppy about my little namesake. A tear comes to my eye, which
I blink away so that Michelle won’t see.
    ‘By the way, Malibu Coffee’s been
around ages,’ says Michelle.

10
     
    ‘If I have two apples and two oranges
in my fruit bowl how many pieces of fruit do I have altogether? Yes, Nikita?’
    ‘What’s a fruit bowl?’
    ‘Dean. Can you tell us all the answer
to Nikita’s question because we can’t all hear what you’re saying?’
    ‘Five.’
    ‘Why five?’
    ‘Because you told us the other day.
Five pieces of fruit, you said.’
    I’d give a lot for them all to be
this quick. But not as much as I’d give to keep Personal, Social and Health
Education out of the Numeracy Hour. We