My Secret Lover

buy a bigger bathroom cabinet. Or clear out the present
one.

14
     
    ‘Can anyone think of a word we might
use to describe Andy?’
    ‘Nice?’
    ‘Let’s think of something other than
nice. Nice doesn’t really mean anything.’
    ‘Fluffy?’
    ‘Good.’
    ‘Friendly?’
    ‘Very good!’
    ‘Feathery?’
    ‘Excellent! Yes, Robbie?’
    ‘He can fly?’
    ‘Yes, he can fly. He’s a fluffy,
friendly, feathery owl who can fly.’
    I don’t think I’ll bother them with
winged.
    I write all the words on the
whiteboard.
    ‘Does anyone know what these words
are called? Words that describe things?’
    ‘F-words?’ suggests Nicole, her face
screwed up with the effort of trying to deduce the answer from the clue.
Definitely a useful quiz-team member of the future.
    ‘They’re called adjectives. Words
that describe things and people are called adjectives. Can anyone think of any
other adjectives? Yes, Ethan?’
    ‘My dad can fly, Miss.’
    ‘I don’t think so, Ethan.’
    ‘He can, Miss. He really can.’
    ‘Can anyone else think of any
adjectives? Dean?’
    ‘Wicked?’
    ‘Very good. Now on your worksheet,
there are four pictures of things and I want you to write one adjective
describing each one.’
    Heads duck down, tongues reach for
noses. I can almost see the thought bubbles above their heads. I wander round
looking at what they’re writing.
    ‘Miss?’
    ‘Yes, Ethan?’
    ‘What does elope mean?’
    ‘Where did you hear it, Ethan?’
    Always a good idea to establish the
word you’re defining is the word they are asking about. I recently got myself
tied in knots with paedophile when I could have just said ‘one by one’ if I’d
asked him to repeat the question.
    ‘My mum has eloped with
someone she met at karate.’
    ‘I see. Well, you know, I’m not
really sure what it means. I may have to ask your father. Is he picking you up
today?’
    ‘Yes.’
    ‘How are you feeling?’
    ‘I had McDonald’s for BREAKFAST!’ he
beams.
     
    ‘I borrowed the Genius edition of
Trivial Pursuit from a friend,’ says Richard in the queue for the till.
    ‘You’ll be fine. Honestly, you know
loads.’
    I choose the Bumper All Day
Breakfast. They give you a little flag for your table, so that the woman from
the kitchen in the blue-checked overall doesn’t have to shout it out, and make
you feel like a pig when everyone looks in your direction.
    Sod the detox. I think I actually
felt worse without the toxins.
    According to Fern’s Swede, that’s all
part of it. It’s got to get worse before it gets better, she said when I
complained of a headache after the massage.
    Michelle says the same about facials,
as if it’s a self-evident fact of life.
    I think it’s a con perpetrated by
alternative therapists and beauticians. If you come out in a rash after a
treatment, then you’re so relieved when it gets better that you forget what you
were actually like before. So, you think you’re better, because it’s definitely
better than a rash, but in fact, you’re probably just about the same.
     
    ‘Have either of you had a marriage
break-up?’ I ask Richard and New Andy.
    ‘I was engaged. But only for two
weeks, so it wasn’t that bad,’ says Richard.
    ‘I meant, in your class.’
    I didn’t know Richard had been
engaged.
    ‘I’ve got seven single mothers
    ‘We’ve all got single mothers,’ I
say, ‘but what about dads?’
    ‘Never had a single dad,’ says
Richard.
    ‘I’ve had several,’ says New Andy,
with a wink.
    ‘And?’
    ‘Just make sure you don’t fall in
love, all vulnerable and needy...’
    ‘Actually, I’m fine.’
    ‘I meant him.’ Another wink.
    Fall in love with Ethan’s dad? It
would never have crossed my mind.
    Though, actually, it would solve
quite a lot of problems in one go.
    Ethan is a dear little boy. We get on
well, so no worries there. I’m sure he would grow to love me, and Cy and Ry
would be fine once they got used to it. His father is sweet too. And quite good
looking. Out of my league in normal circumstances, but I could be key in
helping them both build up their self-esteem... Is it unethical to marry the
parent of one of your pupils? Not if it wasn’t you who broke up the family,
surely? I could change schools. I have been meaning to get round to a career
move. I could probably get deputy head if I wanted to. Senior teacher,
definitely. So the ethics won’t even be an issue by the time the divorce papers
come through.
    On the other hand, could I