My Secret Lover

easy to remember because it was just Andy with his age. But when I
typed in andy42@ ........., I was forgetting that I’d
known him three years. The real Andy’s e-mail has andy45@ ......on it.
    ‘Don’t you use your address book?’
Michelle wants to know, suddenly the expert because of Charlene’s IT GCSE.
    ‘Takes longer than typing it in,’ I
say.
    Let’s face it, some time-saving
devices don’t save time. Like toasted sandwich makers, for instance, if you
include the washing-up. And I’m not keen on butter on both sides of the bread.
    ‘How many Andys do you think there
are in the world?’ Michelle wonders.
    I suddenly realize there is a God!
    I will have a bit of explaining to
do, but nothing compared to Robert Redford!
    ‘That’s before you count all the
blokes who aren’t called Andy, but just use it as their e-mail name says
Michelle.
    ‘Who on earth would...?’ I begin, but
then I remember that Andy once did that, except he called himself Peter.
    ‘Why Peter when you could have chosen
any name in the whole world?’ I asked him.
    ‘I always wanted to be called Peter
as a child,’ he said.
    Which I found rather endearing.
    ‘Where are you off to?’ Michelle
asks.
    ‘To see my fiancé.’
    ‘You got rid of him...’
    Nice of her to put it that way,
although untrue in a bewildering number of respects.
     
    Michelle never gave Andy a chance.
Thing is, Michelle’s pretty. Mum says it’s what’s inside that counts, but the
first Soul Mates bloke walked out of the bar before we’d even spoken. He came
in with his Guardian in hand, saw me, then looked at his watch and
turned round again, as if he’d just remembered he was meant to be somewhere
else.
    Michelle says you should feel more
for your fiancé than gratitude, but she doesn’t know what it’s like.

16
     
    Differences between men and women:
    3. Birds of Prey.
    I’m not talking about a pair of
golden eagles nesting in a tree in the Lake District. That was one of the first
news stories I remember watching on television. The country was gripped for
about a week, and it was on Blue Peter and everything.
    I wonder whatever happened to Goldie?
And those pigs who ran away. They should do an animal version of After They
Were Famous. I should write to the head of ITV and suggest it.
    I’m talking about those little birds
of prey you sometimes see hovering over fields when you’re driving down the
motorway.
    Actually, I never do see them, and it
doesn’t really bother me, but every single man I’ve ever driven with has veered
the car alarmingly while shouting, ‘Look, a buzzard! See it? At least I think
it’s a buzzard. There! Over there! Or is it a sparrowhawk? There! There!’
    In the end it’s easier to strain my
head back and shout ‘Oh yes!’ at the last moment, too late for him to ask me to
point to where I think it is, but just in time to stop him going off the road.
     
    * * *
     
    We are on our way to Bournemouth,
because it’s where Andy used to come on holidays when he was little, and when
we looked on the map, it wasn’t much further than Brighton.
    We are blowing away the cobwebs.
    It was his idea, actually, after I
told him how much stress I’d been under at school. He accepted totally that Richard
Batty was thinking of starting his own quiz team and wanted to see how it was
done.
    At Fleet services Andy buys me The
Only Musicals Album You’ll Ever Want while I’m in the loo, and even
encourages me to join in the chorus of ‘Sit Down You’re Rocking the Boat’ as we
by-pass Southampton.
    I think I must be forgiven.
    ‘How’s Cosi?’ I ask.
    Opera buffs always say just Cosi, I’ve noticed, as if the opera is an old friend. I wonder why they never say The
Magic or Don in the same way.
    ‘Fiordiligi is on antibiotics for her
foot, and Despina has issues about Tuesday evenings.’
    ‘Issues?’
    ‘She says it’s no longer convenient.’
    ‘Probably doesn’t want to miss Footballers’
Wives.’
    ‘No?’
    ‘You know, the fickleness of women!’
I say.
    ‘Perhaps I should offer to programme
her video?’ says Andy.
    The words sound a little suggestive
just hanging in the air over the gearstick. We both take our eyes off the road
for a moment to look at each other. And then we start laughing.
     
    * * *
     
    Difference between men and women:
    4. Videos.
    It’s actually nothing to do with whether
we can or can’t programme the video, women prefer to watch television
programmes when they are on.