My Secret Lover

is almost new,’ I tell him.
    ‘Almost new is not the same. As soon
as you drive a new car out of here, it halves in value. Why are you selling, by
the way?’
    ‘I want a smaller, more eco-friendly
car, something more environmental. It doesn’t have to be new actually.’
    ‘Well, that’s where new cars have the
advantage. You won’t find a much more environmentally friendly car than yours,’
says the man.
    ‘It’s the colour, as well, though. I
didn’t choose it myself.’
    What’s going through his head is that
he can’t imagine a man buying it for me, which is why he’s suddenly lost for
chat.
    ‘A gift from my sister.’ I help him.
    ‘Wish I had a sister like yours,’ he
says, back in salesman mode. ‘How about a re-spray? For a few hundred, it’ll
feel like a new car.’
    The black one does look a lot cooler
than lime green. I’m tempted.
    ‘I’m trying to reduce my outgoings,’
I tell him firmly, reminding myself why I’m here.
    ‘Second-hand market’s completely
flat,’ he says with a sigh. ‘Price promotions have killed it right off.
Murdered it completely. Dead.’
    ‘RIP.’ I say.
    ‘To be honest, your best option would
be if someone stole it,’ the salesman says.
    I’m almost expecting him to add, ‘...which
is part of our promotional package...’
    But he just walks away. I’m not sure
whether this is part of a negotiating tactic and he’s coming back, or whether
he’s finished with me. I stand there for a few minutes and then, for the
benefit of the secret camera, I look at my watch and make a surprised face as
if I have an appointment to go to and I had no idea it was so late.
    I feel quite protective of my garish
Beetle as I climb into its luxury interior, but I wish I had put it into
neutral before switching the engine off.

41
     
    ‘Have you got the telly on?’ I ask,
as Michelle opens the door.
    ‘I thought it was your quiz night.’
    ‘I’m trying to give them up.’
    ‘It’s only the news,’ says Michelle.
    ‘I may be on,’ I tell her.
     
    ‘At the moment, both Pakistan and India are saying they won’t be the first to use nuclear weapons, but the situation is
tense...’ says the reporter.
     
    ‘Do you think they draw lots?’ I ask.
    ‘Who?’
    ‘The reporters. I mean how come some
of them get Live from a Karaoke Bar in Tokyo with some Fat England Supporters
Dressed as Geishas, and some of them get This Could be the End of the World as
We Know It?’
    ‘I think this one gets the war zones
because he’s got such a nice reassuring face,’ says Michelle.
     
    ‘...there’s daily shelling.’
    There’s an explosion behind him.
     
    *
     
    ‘Perhaps he’s not interested in
football,’ says Michelle. ‘Everyone’s interested in the World Cup.’
     
    ‘...some of the aid agencies are
saying we’re looking at a humanitarian crisis the scale of which the world has
never seen before.’
     
    ‘Do you think they help the aid
workers when they’re not filing a report?’ I wonder. ‘Or do they just ask
questions and generally get in the way?’
    ‘If they started helping, they’d
never stop,’ says Michelle.
     
    The reporter’s interviewing the man
who’s in charge of a refugee camp.
     
    ‘Oh my God!’ I say.
    ‘What?’ says Michelle.
    ‘Who was at the Queen Mother’s
funeral, apart from the royal family?’
    ‘Tony Blair?’ Michelle looks at me
like I’ve finally flipped.
    ‘No. Apart from Tony Blair, other
politicians, foreign dignitaries, the regiments she was in charge of... who
else?’
    ‘Representatives of the various
charities she was involved with?’ says Michelle.
    ‘Exactly,’ I say.
     
    ‘...for the people here,’ says the
reporter, ‘war has already begun.’
     
    ‘I’ll be back after this from your
area,’ says the newsreader.
    There’s the local news music.
    ‘As Jubilee fever hits London, we’ll show you some of the celebrations... But first, a gruesome discovery today
as police were called to—’
    ‘I thought there was supposed to be a
watershed,’ says Michelle. ‘People don’t want to hear about a headless corpse
when they’re having their tea.’
    ‘Can you confirm that some of the
body parts were cooked?’ asks the local reporter.
     
    I’m dying to use Michelle’s computer,
but I don’t want her looking over my shoulder.
     
    ‘...at one school, some very
important people turned up at the Jubilee Garden Party—’
    ‘Lyd! Watch!’
    Film of Nicole and Robbie