Now That Hes Gone

and makeup done, or not. You can send e-mails to many people simultaneously—same amount of effort, same cost. You can use your own name or correspond anonymously. I'm sure you get the point: these days, with all the means of communication at your disposal, there is simply no excuse for you to feel alone. But you have to open the front door.
Go at Your Own Pace
    By now, you've already gotten a pile of advice about what you “should” do to get past the loss of your man and move on with your life. I've added my own suggestions to that pile. So while I'm advising you to open yourself up to the world and start letting people in, I also realize that you can only do what you're ready for. You can only do so much. Maybe right now you can open that door only a crack. You might want and need a lot of alone time for a while. But I'm sure you'll agree that it's not healthy to let that alone time drag on too long. Soon, maybe a little sooner than is comfortable, it will be time to take those first few steps.
    When that time arrives, get on the phone. Reconnect with old friends and start connecting with new ones. Invite people over to your home or plan to meet people at a park or resturant. Set up “phone dates” to make sure people will be ready and have time set aside to talk when you call. Start e-mail correspondences with friends and relatives in other cities.
    Of course, you don't just open the door to let people in. You also must open the door to go out. You might not be quite ready for this yet, but when you are, take the advice of the women you read about in this chapter. Step out and re-connect with the world. You might not be able to handle going back to a full-time job, but you can certainly handle volunteering for a few hours, doing what you choose to do, on your own schedule. Millicent and Pam both found they got huge rewards from helping others.
    The most important thing is to act, not react. Make something happen, not wait for something to happen. Reach out and ask people to come to your door. And when they knock, open it. Remember, the door opens from the inside.
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Chapter 4 – Connecting with Your Higher Power
    In Chapter 3, you read about Pam, the woman who, after her husband's death, sought help from a grief support group at a Christian community center. This aspect of her story holds an important lesson for us: there is value to be had from faith in a Higher Power. In her case, she believes in the Christian God. This led her to a group of people who have similar beliefs, who are willing to pray with her and give her comfort.
    But even without those people, Pam feels supported. “As long as I have my faith,” she once told me, “I am never completely alone, even when I'm home all by myself. My husband's spirit is nearby; I can feel that. And there's another Spirit that's always here for me.” This is a source of great strength for Pam, as it is for many women who suddenly find themselves on their own in mid-life.
The Name Doesn't Matter
    Before we discuss this topic fully, let's get a few things straight. Religious beliefs, or lack of them, are a highly personal matter. You have your beliefs, I have mine, and they are almost certainly different. In fact, if you asked a hundred women to define what “God” means to them, you'd probably get a hundred different answers. I'm not suggesting that you ought to believe in God. You might be an atheist, and I respect that. As an atheist, you might find ways to get support and comfort that pull you through the toughest times. If so, good for you.
    All I'm saying is that the majority of women I've known in circumstances like yours have benefited greatly from connecting with their Higher Power.
    I use the term Higher Power because it's a general term for something that has many different names, including God, Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah, Buddha, Krishna—it's a long list. I know a woman who was raised in a family in which God was not discussed at all. Her parents were agnostics and she grew up without any kind of religious faith. After she was an adult and had problems with drugs and alcohol, she joined a 12-step program. Six of those steps mention “God” or “Higher Power.” Not having any previous definition of this idea, the woman at first rejected it. But the people in her group pointed out to her that, though she didn't have to believe in this Power, it was clear that up to that point, her belief systems weren't working. As