Now That Hes Gone

and having focused her energy and attention on her children (including the one she was married to), Harriet had allowed her social life to dwindle to nearly nothing. Now, with marriage over and her children grown and gone, she was alone—and scared.
    Harriet had lost her mother at a young age, 17. But before she died, Harriet's mother had given her a strong, clear message. “When you grow up,” she advised, “you have to have your own identity. You have to be your own person. You can do whatever you want, so just go do it.” She remembered her mother's lessons and decided her salvation would come from friends. So she focused on making and keeping new friends.
    Harriet's sister is a very social person and has friends seemingly everywhere. Like Harriet, she is also single. So Harriet started getting together with her sister and just allowed herself to be introduced to whomever her sister brought into her life. She opened her home and her heart to people of all ages and both sexes. Education, social status, race, religion—none of these mattered to her. For the first time, she began to throw parties and invite people from outside her family circle. Some of these people were a bit outside the conservative types she worked with, but they were “interesting” and helped to make her life more interesting too.
    As time went on and she grew more comfortable in her single-hood, Harriet developed deep friendships with some of these people. Since many of them were younger than she, they helped keep her feeling aware, involved and full of energy. The passion and excitement that were missing from her marriage for so many years finally came to her in middle age.
    When you talk to Harriet, you're struck by her good humor, her relentless optimism and her big heart. “I want my legacy to be this,” she once said to me. “I want to be remembered as a good friend, an adventurer, and a living, caring and supportive human being.”
    She also notices that many women, when they're already hurting, avoid reaching out. They won't make new friends, especially the male kind. They won't take risks, fearing they'll be hurt again. Harriet says this is a costly, and unnecessary, mistake. “You learn from all your decisions, good and bad, so don't be afraid to make them. It's a bigger mistake to sit home and do nothing than to try to start a new friendship and have it not work out.”
Many Ways to Open the Door
    Each of these women, Millicent, Pam and Harriet, found a different way to open their front doors and let people in after feeling that their world had just ended. Millicent started volunteering. Pam got a job at a support center. Harriet began making new friends. Chances are, you'll find yet another way, but the idea is the same.
    Of course, one way to open the door is by doing exactly that: inviting people to your home for meals, cards, conversation, shared hobbies, arts and crafts, whatever. The important thing is the personal contact. The Club I mentioned in the last chapter is an example. But you might not be ready for that, or you may live where it's difficult to have guests over. No problem. You can also “open the door” with your telephone. No matter how depressed you are, just hearing the cheery voice of someone who's glad you called can boost your mood for a whole day. But you have to be willing to make the calls. Sitting by a silent phone is depressing, plus it's the behavior of a victim, not a vibrant woman like you are, or aspire to be.
    Yet another way of opening your door is through e-mail. Regardless of your age, you're never too old to learn and make use of this world-shrinking technology. I have friends and clients in their 80's and 90's who are carrying on e-mail correspondences with people all over the country and in many other countries as well. Granted, e-mail is not as good as seeing someone in person or hearing their voice, but it's still a great way to stay connected.
    E-mail has many attractive advantages. It's free, or nearly so. All you need is a computer and Internet access. You can get a laptop for a few hundred dollars. If you use your telephone line to get online, it will cost you nothing extra. Many e-mail services are available for no charge. Whether you send your e-mail to the next block or halfway around the world, it costs exactly the same, so there's no limit to how far you can reach.
    You can write and receive e-mails any time, any day—all dressed up, or in your pajamas—with your hair