One Perfect Summer

Strike , didn’t you even contemplate not going through with it?’
    ‘With the wedding, you mean?’
    ‘Yeah.’ At least she has the grace to look awkward with this line of questioning.
    I sigh. ‘I was too freaked out to watch the whole movie. You said something about his name change and I wrote him off as a different person to the boy I fell in love with. And calling it off didn’t seem like a viable option,’ I add wryly.
    ‘It was a bloody big wedding,’ she concedes. ‘But if you’d seen Strike when it came out at the cinema the year before, do you think it would have made a difference?’
    I think back to a few weeks ago, when I finally gave in and allowed myself to watch Strike from start to finish, along with Sky Rocket and all those interviews. That was when I realised he hadn’t changed all that much.
    ‘I almost did go to see Strike at the cinema,’ I tell her, recalling how Jessie had wanted to see it but it wasn’t out yet. And then it hits me with sudden realisation that Jessie and I were supposed to go to the movies on Friday – the day that Strike came out. We changed our date to Monday because Lukas came back earlier than planned from Rosalinde’s wedding.
    The colour drains from my face.
    ‘Are you alright?’ Lizzy asks. ‘You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’
    ‘I’ve just remembered something,’ I say in a low voice.
    ‘What?’
    I tell her.
    ‘So you would have seen it well before the wedding,’ she says slowly.
    ‘I would have seen it before Lukas had even proposed,’ I reply.
    ‘Would you have still said yes?’ she dares to ask.
    I don’t dare to think about it.

 
    The next week, my period is late and I nearly have a heart attack. I’m pretty sure the ensuing sickness I feel is too early to be related to pregnancy, but I finally manage to get to a chemist to buy a pregnancy test. And of all the evenings for Lukas to come home early, this is the one he chooses.
    ‘Alice?’ he calls.
    ‘Shit!’ I mutter, stuffing the pregnancy test box into the bin. I snatch up the wand and stare at the result – willing something to appear before he does. I can hear his feet on the stairs. I open the bin, about to throw the test in regardless of its result, but something makes me hesitate. He knocks on the door.
    ‘Alice?’ he asks.
    ‘I’m coming,’ I say, flushing the toilet and hoping he doesn’t enter.
    Fat chance.
    His eyes fall on the wand in my hand and then he’s staring at my face in shock.
    ‘Are you . . .’
    I look down at the wand. What does one line mean? Shit! I’ve already binned the box. I delve back into the bin and pull it out, while Lukas waits with bated breath. Why didn’t I go for one of those whizzy digital ones that just say pregnant or not pregnant? One line means . . .
    Not pregnant.
    ‘No.’ I laugh with relief and glance up at him.
    He looks crushed. My face falls.
    ‘I’m sorry,’ I say, feeling awkward.
    ‘You’re happy you’re not?’ he asks.
    ‘Um . . .’
    He stalks out of the bathroom. I hurriedly follow him downstairs to the living room. He opens the French doors and goes out into the garden. There’s a bench at the end. He sits on it. I tentatively go to join him.
    ‘Did you see Rosalinde while you were in Germany?’ I ask.
    ‘This isn’t about Rosalinde!’ he exclaims. ‘This is about us! You and me. I want to have children!’
    I take his hand. ‘I know you do.’
    ‘I feel like you can’t commit to me,’ he says quietly.
    ‘I married you!’
    ‘Yes, but you didn’t want to, did you?’
    ‘Of course I did!’
    He sighs. ‘I know you’re still confused about . . .’ He lets go of my hand. ‘How did things end between you?’ he asks, turning to face me. His stare is not cold or icy – his blue eyes are full of pain.
    ‘Not well,’ I admit. I haven’t gone into all the details with Lukas. It wasn’t necessary, and I don’t like to remember.
    ‘Can you tell me about it?’
    Maybe he needs to understand. With reluctance I tell him about that night, about how Ryan killed Joe’s beloved dog and then tried to hurt me, how Joe’s parents told him to leave and never come back. How my dad made me go and pack up my things, and how Joe was gone by the time I got back downstairs. I tell Lukas how I searched for him everywhere, how I continued to search for him for months, how I barely had a life at university for the first term and a half. Until I met Jessie and got a job on the river.
    The ache