One Perfect Summer

more dead than alive.

 
    It eats me up that summer. It infests me. Lukas rarely rings – he sends the occasional text, and if I try to call him, his mobile diverts straight to voicemail. I return to my dark place. I lose myself in it for weeks, until Jessie and Emily intervene, but not before I’ve gone to London. Searching, never finding.
    At the end of August, Lukas flies back to England. He’s like a stranger to me. It feels like Groundhog Day .
    ‘Did you tell her?’ I ask him across the kitchen table. He seems to have expected the coolness of my behaviour, but he’s going with it. He has no other option.
    ‘You know that I did,’ he replies reasonably, reaching forward to take my hand.
    ‘That’s right. One of your texts ,’ I say sarcastically, snatching it away.
    He sighs and slumps back in his chair, but doesn’t take his eyes from mine. ‘It was hard to talk.’
    ‘Clearly.’
    ‘But we can talk now.’
    ‘Maybe I’m not in the mood to talk now.’
    ‘Don’t say anything, then. Just listen.’
    I’m not in the mood to listen, either, but I can’t be bothered to get up and leave the room.
    ‘My parents already knew.’
    What? ‘How did they know?’
    ‘Klaus.’ He gives me a hard stare. ‘I suspected he’d squeal.’
    ‘That’s a horrible thing to say.’
    ‘It doesn’t mean it’s not true.’ He taps his fingers on the table. ‘Of course, I knew he’d tell them about you after the ball, but I had already decided to confess by then.’
    Am I supposed to feel comforted by that thought?
    ‘In fact, I believe he revealed your existence after our first date. No wonder my mother gave me such a trying time about not going home for Easter,’ he muses, staring out of the window. ‘She must have known my plans involved you; that our relationship was serious.’ He looks back at me.
    I shift in my seat. ‘Are they really that unhappy about us?’
    ‘They’re not pleased.’ He shrugs. He seems different – more aloof, or harder, somehow. ‘Anyway,’ he says, resting his elbows on the table, ‘Klaus has gone back to Germany now, so we won’t be bothered by him. It is a shame about my car, though. It’s ridiculous that I’m not allowed to keep it here,’ he snaps petulantly.
    ‘Bloody hell, Lukas, I think we’ve got bigger things to worry about than your car,’ I say crossly.
    He regards me with irritation. His eyes fall to my collarbone, where his necklace is absent. ‘It seems that every time I go away from you, your affections for me diminish.’
    I cast my eyes heavenwards. ‘Can you blame me? For all I knew, you weren’t coming back!’
    ‘When did I ever give you that impression?’ His tone is icy.
    He has a point. I’m comparing him to Joe. I look away, guiltily.
    ‘How did Rosalinde take it?’ I finally find my voice.
    ‘It’s hard to tell with her.’
    I bet she’s cool, calm and collected. Or perhaps she’s just cold and efficient. I hope it’s the latter.
    ‘She’ll move on,’ he adds, gazing out of the window again. ‘She probably already has.’
    ‘When was the last time you slept with her?’ I ask, a horrible feeling settling over me.
    He frowns. ‘Why is that important?’
    Talk about deflecting the question!
    ‘Are you going to answer me?’
    ‘When was the last time you slept with someone?’ he asks nastily.
    ‘Before I met you !’ I exclaim. ‘Can you say the same thing?’
    ‘No, as it happens.’
    The blood drains from my face. Suddenly he looks sympathetic. He reaches across to touch me, but I shove my hands under the table.
    ‘It was before we were together,’ he says gently, holding eye contact. ‘The summer after I first met you, before we had the rooftop picnic.’
    ‘Is that why you acted like you did? You didn’t kiss me; you drove too fast; you seemed angry . . . Were you thinking of her?’
    He hesitates before nodding. ‘Yes.’
    I can barely speak. ‘What about at Christmas?’
    ‘No,’ he says abruptly. ‘Nothing happened then.’
    I so want to believe him . . . My eyes fill up with tears.
    ‘Alice,’ he says softly, holding his hands out to me. I slowly take mine from underneath the table and he grips them tightly.
    I hear the front door slam and turn to see Jessie appear from the hall.
    ‘Are you okay?’ he asks me directly, his stare accusatory as it darts towards Lukas and back again.
    ‘Yes,’ I answer. Lukas lets go of my hands and sits back in his chair.
    And so, after a shaky start, our