Pictures of Lily

is pale and puffy.
    ‘Lily?’ He stands in front of me on the deck, his palms upright. I know he wants me to step outside into his arms, but I can’t. I don’t want to mislead him. His eyes fill with tears. ‘You’re leaving me.’
    ‘Yes.’
    His face creases with pain. ‘No,’ he moans.
    ‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper as he pushes past me and sinks onto the sofa. He buries his head in his hands, but suddenly looks up at me, his jaw working angrily as he demands, ‘Have you seen him?’
    ‘No.’ I sit down on the armchair. ‘I’ve done as you asked. I haven’t called him or tried to see him. I’ve spent time away from both of you. I’ve never done so much thinking in my life.’
    He stares ahead in a trance. ‘What am I going to tell my parents?’
    ‘I’m so sorry.’ I hate that thought also. It’s going to be horrible for him and they’re going to be so disappointed in me.
    ‘Is there nothing I can say or do to make you change your mind?’
    I shake my head sorrowfully and wait a long time before he speaks again.
    ‘I think you should go now.’
    I nod. ‘I’ll pack some things.’
    I get up quietly and leave him there on the sofa. In the bedroom I try not to think about everything I’m losing, but it’s hard not to. My attention flicks to the picture of Richard and me on the bedside table as I miserably pack a small bag. I’ll need to come back to clear out properly, but for now I just need a few more clothes to see me through this week. I plan to go back to Mum’s tonight.
    I want to call Ben, but I know it’s a bad idea in the state I’m in. I don’t think he should see me like this. I know I need time to recover before I go down that path. But that’s my head talking. My heart thinks differently.
    Richard appears in the hallway as I’m emerging from the bedroom.
    ‘Don’t go to him,’ he begs urgently.
    ‘Richard, I—’
    ‘NO!’ In a sudden, violent rage he punches the wall and I jump back in shock. ‘PLEASE! I can’t bear the thought of you with him!’
    ‘Don’t hurt yourself!’ I cry, grabbing his hand. His knuckles are red and sore.
    ‘Don’t go. I don’t want you to go,’ he pleads, covering my hand with his. ‘I love you.’
    ‘I love you, too.’
    ‘Then, why ?’
    ‘It’s not enough. It would never have been enough. You never had all of me. You never would have had all of me. And you deserve to have the whole of someone.’ I detach myself gently, but don’t bother to brush away the tears that are running down my cheeks. ‘I’m so sorry.’
    ‘I can’t believe you’ve chosen him over me.’ His voice is dull.
    ‘It wasn’t a choice,’ I tell my boyfriend of two years. My fiancé. The man I almost married. ‘I’ve always been his.’

Chapter 29
     
    It’s a dark, windy night and I struggle with my bag all the way down the hill to the ferry terminal. The urge to ring Ben is overwhelming. At one point I pull out my mobile and curse loudly as I realise that yet again I’ve forgotten to pack my charger. I can’t go back home for it now. What am I saying? It’s not my home any more. I’ve never felt so miserable.
    Yes, you have. You’ve felt a lot worse than this.
    It’s true. Of course it’s true. This is nothing compared to the pain that crippled me when Ben left. Oh, God, I want to see him so much.
    I make a right at the shorefront and am out of breath as I haul the bag over my other shoulder and fight against the wind. I pass the surf shop which closed hours ago, and peer at the ocean to see if I can spot any surfers in the enormous waves crashing against the shore. But it’s dark now and they’ve all gone home for the night. I pass a restaurant lit warmly from the inside and spy a family of three eating a pizza. I halt in my tracks as I wonder if it’s Sam and Molly with Mikey, but I realise it’s not. A guy comes out of the shop with a takeaway pizza box and almost slams into me.
    ‘Sorry!’ he gasps. I look up to see Nathan. ‘Lily!’
    ‘Hi.’
    His gaze falls on my bag before his bluey-grey eyes meet mine. ‘Have you broken up with him?’
    ‘Yes.’ I can’t bear the grave look on his face.
    ‘How is he?’
    ‘Not good,’ I admit.
    ‘I’ll go and see him,’ he decides. ‘Where are you going now?’
    ‘Back to Mum’s.’
    ‘Okay.’ Sadness fills his features as he places his hand on my arm. ‘Take care, alright?’
    I nod hurriedly. ‘When are you leaving, you and Lucy?’
    ‘In a few weeks. We’ll