Pictures of Lily

crush, Ben. I love you. And I know you love me too.’ I suddenly feel like I’m having another out-of-body experience. I can’t quite believe I’m saying this to him. And then I’m back in the present again.
    ‘I don’t love you,’ he says.
    ‘You do.’
    ‘I don’t.’
    ‘You do.’ I’m not giving in.
    He drags his eyes to meet mine and I know I’ve broken him. ‘It couldn’t work,’ he whispers.
    I reach over and take his hand. The butterflies go haywire in my stomach.
    ‘No one would have to know.’
    ‘No, no.’ He abruptly pulls his hand away and stands up.
    ‘You could wait for me!’ I cry in sudden desperation. I thought I was getting somewhere.
    ‘No.’ He shakes his head resolutely. ‘This is crazy. I don’t know what’s come over me. I’m not normally like this.’
    ‘Please, Ben!’
    ‘Lily, no. You need to stop this. Now . I have to go.’
    I stand up and clutch onto his arm in anguish. ‘No!’
    ‘Lily, please,’ he begs, shaking me free. I’ve never seen such pain on anyone’s face and I hate knowing I’ve caused it, but I can’t give up. A man and a woman appear around the corner, arm-in-arm. They momentarily halt when they see us. We force shaky smiles at them and say hello as they pass, and then we’re alone again.
    ‘How did you get here?’ Ben asks suddenly.
    ‘I drove.’
    Shock mixed with anger appears on his face. ‘You drove?’
    ‘I know I shouldn’t have.’
    ‘Lily, what the hell did you think you were doing?’
    ‘Ben, don’t be angry!’ I cry.
    ‘Who do you think you are? Josh ? You could have got yourself killed!’
    ‘I know, I know. But I’m a good driver – I drove carefully!’
    ‘You’re not that good.’
    ‘I’m sorry!’
    His features soften as he regards me. ‘That was really stupid,’ he mutters.
    ‘I couldn’t let you leave without—’
    ‘I’ll drive you home,’ he interrupts.
    ‘How will you get your car?’
    ‘I’ll walk back up. Come on,’ he snaps.
    I obediently follow him to my car. He drives in silence, not offering to let me get behind the wheel. It’s just as well cars get insured for anyone to drive here, otherwise he’d be angry at me for making him break the law, too.
    He pulls up on Michael’s driveway and turns off the ignition. He doesn’t get out of the car. After a long moment of staring out of the window, he turns to look at me.
    ‘You’re going to be fine.’ His eyes are filled with regret.
    I begin to panic because I can sense that this is it. This is the end.
    ‘You will. I know you’ll be amazing whatever you decide to do.’
    ‘No, Ben, please no.’
    ‘I’ll miss you,’ he says tenderly.
    ‘Please don’t go,’ I whisper. ‘Come inside. There’s no one home. We can talk about this some more.’
    I want him to kiss me, to make love to me, even if it’s the one and only time. I’ll cope with that. I try to convey my emotions with my eyes, and very slowly, he reaches over and strokes the side of my face with the back of his hand. Tears start to roll down my cheeks. And then he climbs out of the car.
    I sit there in shock as he vaults himself over the boundary fence belonging to the conservation park and starts to climb upwards in the direction of Carminow Castle and Mount Lofty. He’s gone. I’ve lost him. It wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. My heart is broken beyond repair and I know I will never love anyone like this.
    Ever again.

Now

Chapter 13
     
    ‘Lily?’ Richard laughs nervously. ‘Are you going to answer my question?’
    ‘Sorry,’ I blurt out. ‘I wasn’t expecting this.’
    ‘It can’t be that surprising, surely? I mean, we have been together for almost two years. I love you. You love me. At least, I think you do.’ Now he’s looking hurt.
    ‘No, I do!’ I exclaim. ‘Of course I do – you know I do. It’s just that, well . . . we’re at a wedding and I guess I wasn’t expecting a proposal at somebody’s else’s wedding.’
    ‘What, you want hearts and flowers, that sort of thing? I didn’t think you were into all that stuff.’
    ‘I’m not.’
    ‘Then what is it?’
    What should I do?
    I look around at our friends. Richard’s friends. We’re on a green and cream ferry on our way from Manly in North Sydney to Circular Quay. Sam is holding up Mikey to look over the railings and the wind is blowing the little boy’s blond hair back, making him laugh hysterically. Molly is nowhere to be seen. She’ll be inside, knowing her. She