Public Secrets

but refused to believe. He’d spent quite a while refusing to believe himself. “I’m dying.” It sounded easy, almost peaceful. “It’s AIDS .”
“No.” Her fingers bit into his. “Oh God, no.”

“I’ve been sick for weeks. Months really,” he admitted on a sigh. “I thought it was a cold, the flu, vitamin deficiency. I didn’t want to face going to the doctor. Then, well, I had to. I didn’t accept the first diagnosis, or the second, or the third.” He laughed, letting his eyes close again. “There are some things you can’t run away from.”
“There are treatments.” Frantic, she pressed his hand to her cheek and rocked. “I’ve read about treatments, drugs.”
“I’m pumped full of drugs. Some days I feel pretty good.”
“There are clinics.”
“I’m not spending whatever time I’ve got in a clinic. I sold my house so I’ve got some money. I’m going to rent a suite at the Plaza. See plays, go to movies, museums, the ballet. All the things I haven’t had time to do in the last few years.” He smiled again, touching a finger to her cheek. “Sorry about the glass.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“It looked like Waterford,” he murmured. “You’ve always had class, Emma. Don’t cry.” His voice tightened as he turned away from the tears in her eyes.
“I’ll clean up the glass.”
“Don’t.” He took her hand again. He so badly needed someone to hold his hand. “Just sit for a minute.”
“All right. Luke, you can’t give up. Every day they’re, oh, I know it sounds trite,” she said desperately, “but every day they’re coming closer. There’s so much research being done, and the media is making the public more aware.” She brought his hand back to her cheek. “They’re bound to find a cure. They have to.”
He said nothing. She wanted a solace he couldn’t give. How could he explain how he had felt when the results had come in? Would she understand, could she, that fear and anger were only two components? There had been humiliation too, and despair. When pneumonia had set in weeks before, the ambulance attendants wouldn’t touch him. He’d been isolated from human contact, from compassion, from hope.
She was the first one to touch him, to weep for him. And he couldn’t explain.
“When you see Johnno, don’t tell him how I looked.” I won t.
That seemed to comfort him. His hand relaxed again. “Remember when I tried to teach you to cook?”
“I remember that you said I was hopeless, but that Marianne took ineptitude to new heights.”

“You finally caught on to the spaghetti.”
“I still make it once a week whether I want it or not.” He was crying, slow, silent tears that slipped between his closed lashes.
“Why don’t you put off the Plaza awhile and stay here?” When he shook his head, she went on. “Tonight then. Just for tonight. It’s so lonely without Marianne, and I’ll show you the improvements I’ve made in your spaghetti sauce.”
She sat with him, holding on, when he buried his race in his hands and wept.

I T WAS RAINING when she touched down at Heathrow. A soft spring rain that made her think of daffodils. With her camera case slung over her arm, she walked through the gate. Johnno met her and gave her a smacking kiss. Then kept his arm around her to steer her through the terminal. “Pete’s having your luggage sent over.” He turned her away from baggage claim and toward the exit doors.
“Remind me to kiss his feet.”
When he opened the door of a limo, Emma lifted her brow.
“I hate airport traffic,” Johnno claimed. When he’d settled in, he poured two glasses of Pepsi and offered her a bag of chips. “Besides, this way we can eat. How’d you handle the flight?”
“With Dramamine and prayer.” She dove into the chips. Eating on a plane was a luxury her stomach couldn’t afford. “Don’t worry. I stocked up on both for the tour.”
“Glad to have you aboard.”
She stalled, asking questions, keeping it light. He said nothing when she reached up and closed the privacy glass between the backseat and the driver.
“I appreciate your coming to pick me up.”
“I figured you had a reason.”
“Yes. Can I have a cigarette?”
He took two out, lighted them both. “Serious?”
“Very.” She took two long pulls on the Gauloise. “Luke came to see me a couple of days ago.”
“He’s in New York?”
“Yes … We had dinner.”
“That’s nice. So how is he?”

Keeping her eyes lowered, Emma took the