Public Secrets

night Darren was killed. Then he’d call me, whispering my name over and over so that I’d wake in the dark hearing it. I’d always try to turn on the light, but he would have pulled out the plug so I would just sit there in bed, begging it to stop. Once I started screaming, he would come back. He would tell me it was all a dream. Now when I have the nightmares, I lie there in bed, frozen, terrified he’s going to open the door and tell me it was all a dream.”
“You had a nightmare tonight?”
“Yes.”
“Can you tell me about it?”
“They’re always basically the same. It’s the night Darren was killed. I wake up just as I did. The hallway’s dark, the music playing, and I’m afraid. I can hear him crying. Sometimes I get to the door, and Drew’s there. Sometimes it’s someone else, but I don’t know who.”
“Do you want to know?”
“Now I do, when I’m awake and I feel safe. But during the dream I don’t. I feel as though I’ll die if I do, if he touches me.”
“You feel threatened by this man?”
“Yes.”
“How do you know it’s a man?”
“I…” She hesitated. The dark was lightening to gray. Because the window was open she could hear the early gulls, like children crying. “I don’t know, but I’m sure it is.”

“Are you threatened by men, Emma, because of what Drew did to you?”
“I’m not afraid of Da, or Stevie. I’ve never been afraid of Johnno or P.M. I couldn’t be.”
“And Michael?”
She picked up her tea for the first time, drinking it cold. “I’m not afraid he’d hurt me.”
“But you are afraid?”
“That I wouldn’t be able to—” She broke off, shaking her head. “This doesn’t have anything to do with Michael. It’s me.”
“It’s natural to be wary of a physical relationship, Emma, when your last experience brought only pain and humiliation. Intellectually you know that those aren’t the purposes, or the usual result, of intimacy, but intellect and emotion run on different tracks.”
Emma nearly smiled. “Are you saying the nightmares are a result of sexual repression?”
“I’m sure Freud would,” Katherine said mildly. “But then I’m half convinced the man was a lunatic. I’m just exploring possibilities.”
“I think we can rule Michael out. He’s never asked me to have sex with him.”
Not make love with, Katherine noted, but have sex with. She would file that for later. “Do you want him to?”
Now she did smile. Dawn had come, and with it, the safety of morning. “I’ve often wondered if psychiatrists are just gossips.”
“Okay, we’ll pass on that one. Can I make a suggestion?”
“All right.”
“Get your camera, go out and take pictures today. Drew took a number of things from you. Why don’t you prove to yourself that he didn’t take everything?”

E MMA WASN’T SURE why she took Katherine’s advice. She could think of nothing she wanted to photograph. People had always been her favorite subject, but she’d shied away from them for so long. Still she had to admit it felt good to have the camera in her hand, to toy with lenses, to plan a particular shot.

She spent the morning focusing on palm trees and buildings. The shots wouldn’t win any prizes, she knew, but the mechanics of photography were relaxing. By noon she’d used up two rolls and wondered why she’d waited so long to enjoy something she loved.
She wasn’t sure why she pointed the car in the direction of Michael’s house. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, too pretty to spend alone. She hadn’t taken a picture of him since that first one years before. Conroy would make an interesting subject. Those were all easy excuses. She settled on them as she pulled up in front of his house.
Though his car was there, he didn’t answer for so long she thought she’d missed him. The dog had begun to bark on her first knock and now could be heard howling and scratching on the other side of the door. She heard Michael swear at him and grinned.
The moment he opened the door she knew she’d awakened him. It was past noon, but his eyes were heavy and unfocused. He wore only a pair of jeans, obviously tugged on hastily and still half zipped. He dragged a hand over his face and back into his hair.
“Emma?”
“Yes. I’m sorry, Michael. I should have called.”
He blinked against the sunlight. “Is something wrong?”
“No. Listen, I’ll go on. I was just out riding around.”
“No, come on in.” He reached for her hand as he glanced over his