Public Secrets

after lights out, but that was as decadent as it got.”
“I always figured girls snuck guys into their room after lights out.”
“No. Just chocolate.” She slid thé ice cream into her mouth and closed her eyes. “We only dreamed about boys. We talked about sex all the time, looking up with envy to any of the girls who claimed to have lived through the experience.” She opened her eyes and smiled at him. “It’s better than I imagined it would be.” She offered him another spoonful and the strap of the tank top she wore slithered off her shoulder.
Reaching out, Michael toyed with it. “If you let me move in, we could practice a lot more.”
He was looking at her, waiting. Wanting an answer, Emma thought. And she didn’t know which one to give him. “I haven’t decided whether I’m going to keep this house or look for another one.” That was true enough, but they both knew it was an evasion rather than an answer. “I need studio space, and a darkroom. I think I’d like to find a place where I could have it all.”
“Here, in L.A.?”
“Yes.” She thought of New York. It would never be her home again. “I’d like to try to start here.”
“Good.”

She set the bowl aside, certain he didn’t know what she meant by starting. “I need to concentrate on getting ready for another show. I have a number of contacts out here, and I think if we could tie it in with the book—”
“What book?”
She smoothed the sheets and took a deep breath. “Mine. I sold it about eighteen months ago. On Devastation. Early photographs from when I was a child up to the last tour I went on with Da. It’s been delayed a couple of times because … because of what happened. But it’s due to come out in about six months.” She glanced toward the window. The wind had picked up from the sea and brought with it a rush of rain. “I have an idea for another one. The publisher seems to be interested.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Before she could make an excuse, he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her, long and hard. “All we have is a bottle of mineral water to celebrate with. Uh-oh.”
She’d nearly relaxed, and now braced again. “What?”
“My mother’s going to kill me if you don’t give her first dibs on autographing sessions.”
And that was it? she thought, staring at him. No demands, no questions, no criticisms. “I…the publisher wants me to tour. It’s going to mean a lot of traveling for a few weeks.”
“Do I get to watch you on Donahue?”
“I—I don’t know. They’re setting stuff up. I told them I’d be available for anything they wanted during the month of publication.”
It was her tone that had him lifting a brow. “Is this a test, Emma? Are you waiting for me to grow fangs because you’re telling me you’ve got a life?”
“Maybe.”
“Sorry to disappoint you.” He started to rise, but she laid a hand on his arm.
“Don’t. If it’s not fair, I’m sorry. It’s not always easy to be fair.” She dragged both hands through her hair. “I know better than to make comparisons, but I can’t help making them.”
“Work on it,” he suggested flatly, then reached over for his cigarettes.

“Dammit, Michael, he’s all I have to compare. I never lived with another man, I never slept with another man. You want me to pretend that that part of my life never happened. That I never let myself be used or hurt. I’m supposed to forget and pick up and go on so that you can take care of me. Every man who’s ever been important to me has wanted to take over because I’m too weak or stupid or defenseless to make the right choices.”
“Hold on.”
But she was scrambling out of bed to pace the room. “All of my life I’ve been tucked into corners, all for my own good. My father wanted me to forget about Darren, not to dwell on it, not to think of it. I wasn’t supposed to worry about what he was doing to his own life, either. Then Drew was going to take care of it all. I was too naïve to handle my finances, my friends, my work. And I was so bloody used to being pointed in a direction, I just went. Now I’m supposed to forget all of that, just forget it, and let you click into place so I’m protected again.”
“Is that why you think I’m here?”
She turned back. “Isn’t it?”
“Maybe that’s part of it.” He blew out smoke, then deliberately crushed out his cigarette. “It’s hard to be in love with someone and not want to protect them. But let’s just back