Redshirts

and executive producer. He’s the one you have to talk to. He’s the one you have to convince.”
    “So you can get us into this club,” Dahl said.
    “I can’t,” Abnett said. “Like I said, I don’t rate. But I have a friend who’s a bartender there, and I got him a commercial gig last summer. Kept him from going into foreclosure. So he owes me big. He can get you in.” He looked at them all, and then pointed at Kerensky. “Well, get him in.” He pointed at Duvall next. “And maybe her, too.”
    “You keep your friend from losing his house, and he lets two people into a club, and these are equal favors?” Hester said.
    “Welcome to Hollywood,” Abnett said.
    “We’ll take it,” Dahl said. “And thank you, Brian.”
    “Happy to help,” Brian said. “I mean, I’ve sort of become attached to you. Seeing that you’re actually real and all.”
    “I’m glad to hear that,” Dahl said.
    “Can I ask you a question?” Abnett said.
    “Sure,” Dahl said.
    “The future,” Abnett said. “It really is like it is on the show?”
    “The future really is like it is on the show,” Dahl said. “But I don’t know if it’s really the future.”
    “But this is your past,” Abnett said. “We’re part of your past. The year 2012, I mean.”
    “2012 is in our past, but not this 2012,” Dahl said. “There’s no Chronicles of the Intrepid television show in our past. It doesn’t exist in our timeline.”
    “So that means that I might not exist in your timeline,” Abnett said.
    “Maybe not,” Dahl said.
    “So you’re the only part of me there,” Abnett said. “The only part of me that’s ever existed there.”
    “I guess that’s possible,” Dahl said. “Just like you’re the only part of me that’s ever existed here.”
    “Doesn’t that mess with you?” Abnett asked. “Knowing that you exist, and don’t exist, and are real and aren’t, all at the same time?”
    “Yes, and I have training dealing with deep, existential questions,” Dahl said. “The way I’m dealing with it right now is this: I don’t care whether I really exist or don’t, whether I’m real or fictional. What I want right now is to be the person who decides my own fate. That’s something I can work on. It’s what I’m working on now.”
    “I think you might be smarter than me,” Abnett said.
    “That’s okay,” Dahl said. “I think you’re better looking than me.”
    Abnett smiled. “I’ll take that,” he said. “And speaking of which, it’s time to take you folks clothes shopping. Those uniforms work in the future, but here and now, they’ll get you branded as geeks who don’t get out of the basement enough. Do you have money?”
    “We have ninety-three thousand dollars,” Hanson said. “Minus seventy-eight dollars for lunch.”
    “I think we can work with that,” Abnett said.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
    “I hate these clothes,” Kerensky said.
    “You look good,” Dahl said, assuring him.
    “No, I don’t,” Kerensky said. “I look like I dressed in the dark. How did people wear this?”
    “Stop whining,” Duvall said. “It’s not like you don’t wear civvies back where we come from.”
    “This underwear is itchy, ” Kerensky said, tugging.
    “If I knew you were this whiny, I never would have slept with you,” Duvall said.
    “If I knew you were going to drug me, kidnap me and take me back to the dark ages without my pants, I never would have slept with you, ” Kerensky shot back.
    “Guys,” Dahl said, and motioned with his eyes to the cabbie, who was studiously ignoring the weirdos in his backseat. “Not so much with the dark ages talk.”
    The cab, on Sunset, took a left onto Vine.
    “So we’re sure Marc Corey’s still there, right?” Kerensky asked.
    “Brian said his friend called as soon as he got there, and would call if he left,” Dahl said. “Brian hasn’t called me since then, so we can assume he’s still in there.”
    “I don’t think this is going to work,” Kerensky said.
    “It’ll work,” Dahl said. “I know.”
    “That was with your guy,” Kerensky said. “This guy could be different.”
    “Please,” Duvall said. “If he’s anything like you, he’ll be totally infatuated with you. It’ll be like looking into a mirror he can poke.”
    “What is that supposed to mean?” Kerensky said.
    “It means that you being fascinated with yourself isn’t going to be a problem,” Duvall said.
    “You don’t actually like me, do you?”