Release Me

out of there.
    By the time I arrive at the Beverly Center in West Hollywood, I’ve had my fill of George Strait and have twirled the dial back to the classic rock station. I’m jamming to Journey as I pull into a space right near the brightly lit escalator that leads into the fashionable mall.
    Jamie hasn’t called me back, and to be honest, I’m grateful. I’m feeling centered again, the Hyde to my Jekyll buried deep once more, and the thought of rehashing the whole day with Jamie just seems overwhelming. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to push those buttons or tug on those triggers.
    And I really don’t want to think about the way I ran from Damien Stark.
    What does he think about me now?
    No. Not going there
.
    I get out of my car, lock it tight even though no one in this part of Los Angeles would be caught dead with my piece of shit vehicle, not even a criminal, and head into the mall, my thoughts on makeup and shoes and purses. Thoughts of Damien Stark are not allowed.
    The escalator moves me up, up, up, like I’m rising out of a dark hell into the light of a shiny bright heaven. Beautiful people are everywhere, and we are alike in our plastic-ness. Me, the people, even the mannequins in the windows. We’re all hiding behind our masks, strutting our stuff, pretending to be perfectly perfect.
    Beautiful clothes call to me like sirens from window displays, and I dip in and out of the stores like flotsam moving with the tide. I pull things off racks. I try them on. I twist and turn in front of three-way mirrors and smile politely when the sales-clerks tell me how
darling
an outfit is. How it makes my legs look so, so sexy. How I’ll turn heads everywhere I go.
    I put them all back.
    In Macy’s, I find a display of colored T-shirts, along with some cotton drawstring pants in a blue and white pinstripe material. I buy the pants and two T-shirts, also blue and white. I carry my little bag to the Starbucks and order a coffee loaded up with cream and a blueberry muffin. Comfort clothes, comfort food.
    I sit by the window and watch the world go by. Once again, I’m caught without my camera, and I wish I had it. It’s been like a security blanket since Ashley gave it to me for Christmas during my freshman year of high school. I’d like to capture some of these passing faces. They are mysteries, all of them. I watch them and try to guess their secrets, but it’s impossible. I have no clue. She might be having an affair. He might beat his wife. The clean-cut teen might have shoplifted a pair of lacy underwear. There’s no way for me to know, and that hollow, empty questionmark lifts my spirits. If I can’t look at them and read their secrets, then they can’t know mine, either. I am a mystery, too. To them and, I hope, to Damien Stark.
    I’m not proud of the way I burst out of his apartment. I know I owe him an apology. I probably owe him an explanation, too, but that will have to wait. I need to come up with something plausible. Stark may not be able to guess my secrets, but I’m certain he will know if I lie.
    I finish my muffin and stand up, taking the rest of my coffee with me. As I do, the full import of my thoughts hit me.
I’m planning to see Damien Stark again
.
    The thought twists through me, trepidation mixed with anticipation. And a tiny bit of fear mixed in there, too. Will he even want to see me again? More important, will he accept that this thing between us has to come to an abrupt and permanent end?
    Of course he’ll accept it. Wasn’t he the one who said it was my decision? Who’d put the power very firmly with me?
    I’d blown it, though. I’d forgotten the depth of my own weakness, and it’s never safe to think that you’re stronger than you are.
    My thoughts have propelled me through the mall back to the escalator. I take it down to my parking level and climb back in my car. I feel better even if I don’t feel whole. But it’s good that I’ve made the decision about Stark. I will see him, and I will apologize. But not yet. A few days. Maybe a week. I need time to get centered again. Time to grow strong.
    Because Damien Stark is like crack to me. Seductive and very, very addictive.

13
    Jamie’s car is parked in her spot when I get back to the apartment, and I’m glad. With luck, she won’t have plans for the evening. It’s Saturday, and on the drive over the hill I decided that we should do the whole best friends hanging out thing. Maybe a hike in the