S Is for Silence

of it. The Howdy Doody Show was on, and for all he knew she’d been sitting in the same casual posture for half the afternoon. “Daddy, is that you?”
    “Yes.”
    One word and she could tell he was in a bad mood. She wasn’t in such a hot mood herself after her fight with Liza on the phone. It was true what she’d said to her. She’d sooo been looking forward to their shopping trip. They used to go shopping or see a movie every Saturday afternoon until Violet came along. Livia would drive them into Santa Maria and treat them to lunch at the soda fountain, after which she’d give them each a dollar and let them buy anything they wanted. Kathy could still picture the tuna melt and the BLT. Kathy had imagined the two of them walking arm-in-arm into adulthood, best friends, loyal and true, still thrilled to be together the same as they’d always been.
    It had taken her half the school year to realize something was wrong. At first, Liza was just busy. Kathy could understand that because when they finally got together, it felt like it always had. They’d giggle and eat popcorn, pour Dr Pepper over ice and have burping contests. Gradually she realized how distant Liza had become. She seemed cool, evasive, and Kathy couldn’t think why. Her mother was the one who pointed it out: first, there’d been Violet, then Ty. Liza had her hands full, so it should come as no surprise she had little left to give. And now that she babysat all the time, what was Kathy supposed to do?
    After she’d delivered the birthday present to Liza’s room, she’d spent a few minutes wandering around, touching Liza’s things. Her hairbrush smelled exactly like her and the teddy bear Kathy’d given her was still propped up against the pillows, which she thought was a good sign. She hadn’t meant to snoop, but when she spotted the diary wedged in that dark, cobwebby space behind the bookcase, she’d sat on the bed and leafed through the pages in hopes of feeling connected. She knew it was a form of make-believe, but she loved the illusion of Liza sharing secrets, even though she hadn’t actually confided anything for quite some time. She was also a tiny bit worried Liza was saying unkind things about her behind her back. It was possible Liza had an objection or complaint she was too scared to tell her to her face. Kathy thought perhaps if she could see herself from Liza’s point of view, she could correct whatever it was that was making Liza pull away.
    On she read, somewhat discomfited to realize she wasn’t mentioned at all. The entries about Ty created a sharp pang. She suddenly understood that while she, Kathy, was focused on normal teen concerns, Liza was moving into womanhood. The details of Liza’s relationship with Ty created a weird sensation of heat between Kathy’s legs. At times she’d felt something similar when reading True Confessions and she’d known it was wrong. She’d done her best to steer Liza away from tawdriness and back to the safety of movie stars and movie magazines. She assumed she’d succeeded so it was doubly shocking to realize that Liza was caught up in the same conflicts that filled trashy publications. How degrading for her. No wonder she couldn’t bring herself to confide. Kathy could just imagine the stories: “Too Ashamed to Tell My Best Friend!” “His Love Is Leading Me Down the Wrong Path but I Can’t Stop Myself!” “If Only I Had Someone to Turn To: One Young Woman’s Struggle to Stay Pure.”
    Instantly, Kathy knew she could be of help. As desperate as Liza was, she’d never be able to confess her plight. And, quite naturally, Kathy couldn’t admit that she’d read the diary behind Liza’s back. No wonder Liza was withdrawn. Given Kathy’s high standards, Liza probably thought she’d be repulsive to her. How could she aspire to Absolute Purity when she was already compromised? Tampax had been the first step. The insertion of a tampon might even have unleashed slumbering impulses of the lowest sort. She had to find a way to let Liza know there was hope, that she hadn’t strayed so far that there was no turning back. She was fully prepared to offer her friend whatever help she needed. It was just a matter of eliciting the information she wasn’t supposed to have.
    While she’d waited for Liza’s call, she rehearsed various ways of broaching the subject. It wasn’t Liza’s fault. Liza’s father didn’t even live in the same state. Liza scarcely saw him, and when she