Savage Tales

silence.
    "That was close," I said.
    "Are you afraid of him?" she said.
    "Afraid? Sure. He's the coach. If he found me in here with you –"
    "I have desires. Needs. Grandpa understands that."
    "Does he? I don't think he'd understand me being in here."
    "He's good to me. He wouldn't hurt me. He's not all rough like you."
    "How do you mean?"
    "I'm just saying that with Grandpa he's so much gentler. He has more experience with women. That's why I wanted you to do Grandma first."
    "Are you—"
    "I think you can go now. Gramps should be engrossed with COPS ."
    I dressed silently and opened the door and slipped away, unnoticed.
    When I got back to my own home I came in to find my wife in the living room, coincidentally also watching COPS .
    "I love this show," she said.

STARS

    Lam walked into the bar lounge. In his home country he would never enter a bar alone for fear of paparazzi and young women wet in the panties. Here it was different. Here he was just another name. And here the bar was virtually empty except for a few all-day drunks. It was nearly 2 p.m., when he was scheduled to perform.
    At the bar the bartender was talking to a customer and looked up. "Yeah?" he said.
    Lam smiled his heartbreaker and said, "I am Lam. I am here to sing."
    The bartender looked at a clipboard and found Lam's name. "Right. But it says you're black."
    "I'm not black."
    "I can see that. But it says you're black."
    "I am not. There must be an error."
    "I think you're right. All right, well, get ready. You have a band or you alone?"
    "I have a cassette tape to play in the background."
    "Okay, that'll be a laugh. Give it to Fred in the back. He'll take care of you."
    Lam went to the stage side entrance and found a bald old man inside.
    "I am Lam," he said.
    "All right, all right. What do you got?"
    "I will sing for 45 minutes. Here is my cassette. Play it as I sing."
    "All right, all right. Can't afford a band, huh?"
    Lam looked to the stage where a man with a ventriloquist dummy performed a scene from Terminator 2: Judgment Day . The ventriloquist played Arnold Schwarzenegger (he had a leather jacket) and his dummy played the evil T-1000. He concluded and the few people in the audience let him leave the stage without applause.
    Fred, the man Lam had given the cassette tape, went to the microphone and said, "Our next act is a young black man with a buttload of talent. Back in Africa he's big as Elvis, but he's agreed to put all that fame aside to come and bring his musical audacity to Las Vegas, baby! Put your hands together for the Mighty Lam!"
    The bartender applauded through an otherwise silent bar.
    Lam walked to the mike. Fred had left the stage and was looking to Lam and waiting for his cue. Lam nodded and snapped his fingers at Fred. Fred played the tape. Slowly the beats of music began to make their way through the speakers. The first song sounded familiar. It sounded like Michael Jackson's "Beat It." It was Michael Jackson's "Beat It."
    Fred and the bartender recognized the tune. Perhaps he would be doing his version of "Beat It", like really bad karaoke. But then Michael Jackson's voice began to make it through the song. They looked to the stage and Lam was lip syncing.
    They let him continue for two more songs before they stopped the tape. Fred went to the mike and acted like nothing was wrong. Lam looked disgruntled at the interruption, but got off the stage as Fred led him away and welcomed the next act, Apo the hip-hop gorilla. It looked like a real gorilla.
    When they were off stage, Fred tossed the mixtape at Lam.
    "What fuck, man?" said Lam.
    "Yeah, what the fuck! We ain't paying you fifty bucks for karaoke."
    "What are you paying me fifty bucks for?" said Lam.
    "We're not paying you fifty bucks. Get out of here!"
    Lam started to complain but the bartender came to Fred's side and Lam knew his cause was lost. He left, vowing never to know such disgrace again.
    Outside the sun on the strip was blazing hot. He looked up at the Stratosphere. Would he ever make it so high?
    As he walked along the street a Mexican boy handed him a flyer with a woman's photo on it. She wore only a bikini and had breasts bigger than most women in his country. Lam was in love. Her phone number was below the picture. After searching nearly an hour for a payphone, he called her.
    "Hello?" said a husky woman's voice.
    "Is this the Cindy?" said Lam.
    "Sure. You lookin' to party?"
    Lam did like parties.
    "Yes. Is there a party?"
    "If you got the money