Savage Tales

coach."
    "Wonderful. I'm going to bang this hooker and I'll be back at nine to watch COPS . Don't linger."
    "Affirmative."
    He hung up.
    So it appeared that sexual dysfunction was not the cause of coach's un-desire to do the "wild thing" with his wife.
    Through the front door a voice said, "Yes?"
    "Hello. My name is Gilbert, a baseball player. Coach said to come over."
    "He's not home."
    "That's okay. I can wait."
    "All right," she said.
    I had expected the door to open at that point, but it did not. After waiting five minutes and remembering coach's admonition to not linger, I rang again.
    "Yes?" she said.
    "I was wondering if I might wait inside."
    The door opened and a hideous looking bag of skin greeted me. This couldn't be the coach's wife. This had to be his mother. His grandmother, perhaps. She extended her hand for me to kiss and I shook it. She took me into the living room, and as I walked and she dottered, we passed a bedroom with the door open and the light on. I looked in and saw a young woman on a bed in a thin slip of nightclothes reading YM magazine.
    "Oh, hello," I said.
    The young woman looked up from her blond hair and said, "Hello."
    "Pay no attention to her," said the coach's wife. "She is my granddaughter visiting for the summer."
    "How old is she?" I said.
    "Seventeen," said the young woman, overhearing us.
    "I… see."
    The old crone led me away from the seductive Lolita and onto an ugly leather couch far away.
    "What's your name?" she said.
    "Gilbert."
    "That's a ridiculous name. Here, have a drink."
    She poured something into a cup for her and me and we toasted. It tasted like wood polish.
    "Yum," I said.
    "You'll have some catching up to do," she said. "I'm on my third."
    She burped and leaned over to me. Too close. Her breath smelled like shower mold and her hairy lip vibrated when she breathed.
    "Kiss me," she said.
    "First I must use the restroom," I said.
    I left her and walked fast and far until I came to that bedroom again where the young woman remained. I went in and shut the door behind me.
    "Shhh," I said. "Your grandmother is trying to seduce me."
    "So what?" said the Lolita. "Are you saying she's not beautiful?"
    "I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that I would rather spend my evening with a girl like you."
    "You're sweet," she said. "Tell you what – how'd you like to take me for a spin?"
    "Hm?"
    "You know… stick it in."
    "Stick it…?"
    "Fuck. How'd you like to fuck me?"
    It seemed I had stepped into a dream.
    "Are you serious?"
    "Sure," she said. "Only one thing. First you gotta fuck Grandma."
    "Why?" I said.
    "That's my condition. Take it or leave it."
    "All right, I'll take it. Please excuse me. I shall return."
    I went back to the living room where the sauced old witch was talking to herself.
    "Hello," I interrupted. "I'm back," I said.
    "Wonderful."
    "Let's have another drink."
    "Always a good idea."
    She poured and I toasted but when she was distracted I poured it on a plant.
    "Mighty fine stuff," I said. "Another."
    "Well, you are an athlete, aren't you?"
    "That's what they tell me."
    She poured again and it went on that way another half hour. It was almost 8:30 and I remembered that COPS was on at nine. This woman could really take her drink, but so far she only pawed my chest and leaned into me.
    Finally she collapsed, snored for twenty seconds, and then I woke her.
    "Well, ma'am, I best be going. I do hope you'll not mention this to your husband."
    "Mention?" she groggily said. "Mention what?"
    "Don't tell me you've already forgotten our… intimacies?"
    "You mean we—"
    "No need to say it. We both know. We know."
    "I don't know," she said. "I certainly don't remember."
    "I think we'll both remember. I'll see you again sometime."
    "Okay?"
    She passed out.
    I went down the hall and opened the young woman's door. The light had switched to a moody red. The woman was reclined on the bed, naked.
    "My god," I said.
    "Did you do it? Is granny satisfied?"
    "Yes."
    "Okay. You can have me."
    And I had her. My god, I had her. I don't think I've ever torn into a girl quite like that, not since my first time as a young man when it seemed that all the world's desire boiled within me.
    I lost track of time.
    I heard the front door open.
    "It's coach," I said. "He's here."
    "Grandpa? He won't bother us."
    Then a knock on her bedroom door.
    "Honey, you still awake?"
    She spoke louder: "No, Grandpa, I'm in bed."
    "Okay. I'll see you in the morning."
    "Okay. Enjoy COPS ."
    Then