Savage Tales

Captain Asteroid onto his tray and accidentally into his soup. He didn't even bother to speak and explain himself or give me a chance to explain myself and before I knew it all my remaining copies of Captain Asteroid were spread across the floor and my nose was broken.
    I went to the campus nurse who examined my nose and asked me all kinds of questions about whether I'd been drinking and what had happened and why couldn't boys settle things without violence and I told her that sometimes violence comes to you and sometimes you come to violence and this time violence had come to me. I told her what happened and how Captain Asteroid would have zapped the megalomaniacal bully and she just looked at me all weird. I asked if she would have dinner with me and she said no.
    Your number one fan,
    Timmy Eldrike
    Boston, MA

    Dear Timmy,
    So sorry to hear about your adventures but thanks for reading. I looked in the vault for an issue five but they're all gone. Will keep looking. Asteroids Away!
    Sincerely,
    Don Space

    Dear Don (I'm not clear if it's okay to call you Don, so I'll do so until you say Stop),
    I must confess that I was taken aback by the brevity of your previous letter so I will make mine similarly short to match your tone of detached noncaring. My bruises are pretty much healed now so maybe I will return to school and begin canvassing the campus with issues again. But more importantly: My mother will be traveling to New York ("The Big Apple") City in a fortnight (July 25) for her work and has asked me if I'd like to visit New York while she is busy with her employer. I said okay because it occurred to me that the offices of Captain Asteroid are also in New York ("The Big") City ("Apple") and that it might behoove me to stop bothering you about an issue of Captain Asteroid #5 that you may (probably) have in your vault but which you are too overwhelmed with the labor of crafting more Captain Asteroid adventures to go hunting down one measly issue for one young man in the Boston area.
    So I ask you if I might come in and search for it myself and find it and take it with me to have (or at the very least, to borrow). All you need do is admit me to this so-called "vault" and I will intrepidly explore its environs until I find the issue I NEED and not touch any other titles, I assure you.
    I will also bring in some story ideas and sketches for new characters (I have the entire subterranean race plotted out with maps and language systems) that you might enjoy having a look at to give the series a new shine. Just a thought. Anyhoo…
    Please let me know. I intrepidly await your reply. Asteroids Away!
    Your number one fan,
    Timmy Eldrike
    Boston, MA

    Dear Timmy,
    Due to the large number of requests we receive to have tours of the Asteroid offices and meet writer Joe Sharp and artist Steve Slick, we cannot accommodate requests for tours and the like. We regret to inform you of this and hope you'll continue to buy Captain Asteroid for you and all your friends! We need your support. Asteroids Away!
    Sincerely,
    Don Spice

    Dear Don (and I noticed you signed off with Don Spice so I'm wondering if you changed your name or are an imposter or alternate universe Don Space?),
    I understand but also that those who dare shall win (issue 47, remember?) so I have taken the liberty of planning my visit to your office on the 25th to visit and find issue 5. All this is unnecessary of course if you would simply supply me with issue 5 via postal mail, preferably a mint or near mint copy in a polypropylene or polyethylene bag and packed sturdily with back boards so that no crease or damage is sustained to the issue in question.
    Your #!!!!1!!!! FAN
    Timmy Eldrike

    Dear Timmy,
    I've enclosed a copy of issue 5. Don't come to our offices or we'll be forced to have you escorted away. My name was a typo. Keep buying Captain Asteroid. We need your support.
    Sincerely,
    Don Space

    Dear Donny (I like the colloquial and chummy sound of this and hope you do to),
    I have received your copy of issue 5 and although it is not mint (more of a Very Fine) I appreciate your search through the "Vault" and have already read issue five numerous times on its own and in the larger context of the entire series. It sheds enormous new light on Captain Asteroid's first wife and how he acquired Guazno, the Mexican Robot. I now have a complete run of Captain Asteroid to pass on to my children.
    I will not knock on the Asteroid offices, as you insist, but I shall