Seriously... I'm Kidding

to really think about thinking and I thought about this: There are two distinct types of people in the world—deep thinkers and not so deep thinkers.
    Deep thinkers are people who ask a lot of questions, who are conscious about their actions, who seek reasons and explanations for everything they do and see and hear. Not so deep thinkers are people who litter. They’re less aware of their impact on the planet. I mean, what year are you living in if you think you can still roll down your car window and toss garbage into the street? Maybe that was super awesome in 1968 but we can’t do that anymore. It’s not cool, man.
    We all need to be deeper thinkers. We need to think more about our actions and their consequences. There’s a law of physics that says “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Do you know what that means? Me neither. Actually, it might have been in my fortune cookie last night. My point is, we need to think about what we are doing on and to this planet. We only have one Earth and it’s the most important planet in our entire solar system, besides Uranus.
    The more we consciously think about what we’re doing and what we’re consuming, the better off we’re going to be. And I don’t just mean what we eat. I mean what we buy and what we use. We consume so much. We buy the latest computers and phones and TVs and clothing, and that means everything that came before it ends up in landfills and oceans. I know that’s not a particularly hilarious sentiment but it’s something we need to think about as humans. And if you’re an alien living on Earth, you should be thinking about it as well. Everyone should think about it—not just the people who get labeled “hippies” or “tree-huggers” because they care about our environment. I care and I’m not a hippy. I did hug a tree one time, but it was the seventies and I thought the tree was my friend Judy.
    There’s plenty we can do to help. First of all, if you’re not recycling I don’t even know what to do with you right now. I hate to have to scream at you through this book, but PLEASE RECYCLE!
    Secondly, there’s a very easy way to save water. Take group showers. It’s fun. It’s friendly. At first, my housekeepers were resistant to this idea, but luckily my landscaper talked them into it.
    Another thing you can do is take reusable bags to the grocery store. Now I always thought a reusable bag that you bring into a store was called a purse, and from what I understand putting things in your purse while you’re shopping is called shoplifting. So, shoplift.
    Want to save electricity? Unplug your appliances when you’re not using them. Every Sunday, I unplug my tanning beds and dim the lights in my discotheque. You might want to unplug your television for a few hours a day. Not while my show is on of course, but any other time. Well, not if it’s Shark Week because that’s fascinating programming, but any other time. Unless The Bachelor is on because people are going to be talking about it at work the next day. And if So You Think You Can Dance is on you gotta watch that. You know what, never mind. Don’t unplug the TV. Get rid of your refrigerator or something. I don’t know. You’ll figure it out.
    We all know people who go through life without ever thinking about their actions. They’re the people who don’t use turn signals and choose not to replace the empty roll of toilet paper after they finish it. They’re not malicious in their intentions (usually). They just aren’t paying attention.
    Let’s try and pay more attention to what’s around us. Look up. Look down—if only so you don’t trip. Ask questions. You know how kids always ask “why?” Ask why. Then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. And then ask why again. Don’t stop asking why until you get the answer you’re looking for. Or until you’re escorted away by security, whichever comes first.
    Here’s a question: If our Earth is turning at one thousand miles per hour, why can’t I jump on a trampoline in Los Angeles and end up at a diner in Phoenix a few minutes later? Right? Think deeply about that for a while.

Chapter for the Audiobook Listeners

    I know many of you are listening to an audio version of this book, so I’d like to say a special hello to all of you. Recording an audio book is a lot like doing the voice of an animated