Seriously... I'm Kidding

“No, no. Please. Only lies right now.”
    For the most part, we’re honest people. Which is good because when you think about it everything around us is based on the honor system. Look at airport baggage claim. We all stand around a conveyor belt totally unsupervised and all those bags are there for anyone to take. I know because I was at the airport recently and I took four. I got some good stuff—three travel irons and a large man’s nightshirt.
    There are a lot of places that rely on us to be honest. Banks put out candy and hope you only take one or two pieces. Restaurants put out toothpicks. Libraries have those giant statues of lions out front. They’re practically begging us to get a crane and a flatbed truck to cart those things away.
    Think of how honest we’re expected to be when we go to the movies. We pay for one ticket but in theory we can sneak into as many theaters as we want once we’re inside. We can even pay the child’s price and sneak in our own popcorn and vegan appetizers. I’m guessing.
    And as much as certain people and places rely on us to be honest, we rely on others to be honest with us. I mean, we hand our car keys over to a complete stranger at the valet just because he’s wearing a vest. (By the way, now you now why I wear a lot of vests and have so many cars.)
    It’s nice to think we can trust each other. It would be depressing to walk around every day thinking people are lying to us all the time. I prefer to believe people are good and honest and respect me enough to tell me the truth. It’s not easy to find those people all the time, but they’re out there. They’re usually the people who don’t hesitate to tell you when you look tired or that you have broccoli hanging from your lip. They might be blunt and sometimes they might hurt your feelings with their candor, but honestly? You’ll appreciate it.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

    I f there is any message I want you to take from this book, it is that befriending a parrot can be both frustrating and infinitely rewarding. And if there is another message I want you to take from this book, it’s that you can be happy. There is so much bad news in the world right now and sometimes it’s hard to see the positive side of things, but it is possible and there are things you can do to be happy.
    In the interest of full disclosure I want you to know that I’m not a spiritual adviser. Yes, it’s true that if my mother didn’t name me Ellen she was going to name me Deepak. But she didn’t and that is not the path I followed. And I would never want to mislead you by telling you that I have all the answers, because I don’t. I mean, I do know a lot. Like, A LOT a lot. I am very worldly. What’s that? No, I’m not in Mensa or anything. But I could be. Obviously. I just don’t have time for all the paperwork. Or those meetings. Those are probably a drag. So, in conclusion, the only reason I are not in Mensa is because I don’t have time for the paperwork or the meetings. Moving on.
    I spend a lot of time listening to spiritual advisers and I have read a lot of books on the power of positive thinking. And I agree with what they say—it makes a big difference in your life when you stay positive. I am positive of this. It helps to surround yourself with positive people. No one likes to be around Negative Nellies. Try and spend more time with Positive Peters and Happy Helens. And Beyoncé. She’s so pretty and fun.
    Another thing you can do—and this is just off the top of my head—is watch my show every day. I try to make it an escape from the things in life that are not so great. I keep it happy and positive and upbeat. Plus, it’s much cheaper than a prescription with none of the negative side effects.
    It has been proven that when we’re positive and happy, endorphins rush through our system. Now, I’m no scientist, but I know what endorphins are. They’re tiny, little magical elves that swim through your bloodstream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain, you hear what they’re saying and that boosts your health and happiness. “Knock, knock… Who’s there?… Little endorphin… Little endorphin who?… Little endorphin Annie.” And then the endorphins laugh, and then you laugh. See? It’s science.
    Don’t get me wrong. Everyone has good days and bad days. We’re humans. We have emotions. In fact, I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t have emotions. Have you ever met someone who says