Seriously... I'm Kidding

reading this book. I know I don’t know you, but I can tell that you are so cool. Just thinking about the fact that I don’t know you, but can still tell that you are cool makes me want to laugh out loud for some reason.
Well, I just want to say hi and see how you are doing. Hey, what are you doing tonight? I am going out later for dinner with a few friends. I hope they are on time or I will be very, very sad.
Here’s a funny story that I think you’ll enjoy. I remember there was this one time I was talking to my brother and I said, “I love you like a sister.” And he looked at me incredulously and said, “What?!” And so then I said, “Just kidding! I love you like a brother.” It was too funny. He was like, “You are too much, Ellen! Too much!” Just thinking about it again right now is making me laugh so much that I am actually laughing my ass off. That’s how funny it is to me. I am laughing my ass off. Bye-bye, ass!
Anyway, do you like the band U2? I love U2. Do you like them also, the band U2, that is? GJKLE#*OJPOK, LVORPA//%$#. Ooops, I fell asleep on my keyboard!!!!!! Oh my God! I can’t believe I did that!
That is funny. That is actually so funny to me that I am currently rolling on the floor laughing. Previously, my ass was falling off from laughing so hard. Now I cannot help but roll around on the floor because of how funny that is.
Okay, I got up off the floor and now I have to get going. Thank you for reading this chapter. Please keep in touch. I am so happy right now. I will talk to you later. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even see you later. For sale by owner.
Love, Ellen

The Longest Chapter

    Y ou might be able to tell from its name, but I just want to make it clear up front that this chapter is the longest chapter in this book. So if you are planning on reading one more chapter before you go to bed or squeezing in one last chapter before you leave for dinner, this might not be the chapter for you to read right now. Because it’s long. Very, very long.
    If you’d like, I can tell you really quickly what it’s about and why it’s so long and then you can decide whether or not you want to keep reading it now or come back to it later. And trust me, I will not be offended if you decide to come back to it. I’m not that easily offended. Maybe if you said you didn’t like my shirt or my shoes my feelings would be a little hurt, but otherwise I like to think I’m pretty tough. Plus, I’m the one giving you the option to either keep reading or skip it for now, so it would be weird if I was like, “Hey, why didn’t you keep reading instead of going to your doctor’s appointment? My feelings are hurt!” Because I’m giving you the option.
    In fact, for your convenience I’ve made the next chapter of the book a short one. So you might want to skip ahead to that chapter and make that the last one you read before you put the book down, and then you can come back to this chapter later. Just don’t forget to come back to it! Maybe you want to dog-ear this page or bookmark it or write a note to yourself so you remember to read it. I know folding the corner of a page ruins the aesthetic of the book and you might lose money should you ever try to resell it, but that’s what makes life so difficult. It’s the choices you make.
    The reason this chapter is so long is because it’s the most compelling chapter in the whole book. I’m going to tell you about something that changed my life forever.
    That probably makes you want to keep reading! I don’t mean to try and tempt you to stay. I would feel really awful if I made you late for a date with someone who could have been your future spouse were it not for your unattractive quality of being tardy.
    It’s just that I know people want to hear compelling things about me that I’ve never shared before. When I first started writing this book, people kept asking me, “What’s in this book that I’m not going to hear anywhere else? Why should I read it? What’s so special about it?” And I would always answer the same way. “Why don’t you just buy the book because you love me, Mother?”
    But I understand what people are saying. I know I’m on TV every day talking about my life. You can read about me online or in magazines. I have that blog about flowers that has over eighty subscribers. Y’all know a lot about me. But you don’t know everything, and that’s what this chapter is about.
    And I certainly don’t mean to make this chapter