Seriously... I'm Kidding

bottom if you so desire. But what you cannot do under any circumstances—and I found this out the hard way—is eat almonds at a blackjack table. That is a true story. I once tried to eat almonds at a card table and I was told by the dealer to put them away because I wasn’t allowed to eat them there. Sexual encounters with an escort? You got it. Wildly inappropriate public intoxication? Anytime! Having a little protein while doubling down? How dare you even think about it, you stupid, stupid fool.
    I don’t know how many of you gamble. How could I? We’ve only just met. But for those of you who enjoy a little risk taking, I thought I would give you a few tips for staying “up” should you find yourselves in a casino or on a riverboat anytime soon.

SLOT MACHINES
    Slot machines can be hours and hours of fun. Things spin around and light up when you win and they all make loud, exciting noises that make it sound like coins are pouring out of the machines—even though nowadays you only get a piece of paper, which is much easier to carry around and a lot more sanitary, in case you wanted to play a game and then eat some almonds or something with your hands. Just kidding. You’re not allowed to do that inside a casino.
    All the slots have different themes, from animals and sports to Wheel of Fortune and Sex and the City . What is more fun than lining up Samantha’s cosmos to win a really big bonus? I’ll tell you what. Lining up Carrie Bradshaw’s shoes for an even bigger bonus.
    There’s no question that slots are fun. But here’s what you need to do when you’re playing the slots: Walk away when you’re up. You have to. Just walk away. Then, walk back and see what one more spin will do for you. If you don’t win the jackpot immediately, walk away again. Take a breather. Then, walk back and try the machine right next to the one you already played. You know you should’ve played that one in the first place. It was speaking to you, but you didn’t go with your gut. If for some crazy reason you don’t win the jackpot on that one, walk away again. Seriously. Walk away, and go straight to a roulette table.

ROULETTE
    Roulette is a lot of fun. Here’s my tip for roulette: Always bet on red. Unless red isn’t coming up, in which case you should really bet on black. Similarly, always bet on even. However, if that doesn’t work—I cannot stress this enough—you must bet on odd.
    Here’s another tip: DO NOT place a Tic Tac on your winning number on the roulette wheel and think people won’t notice. They will notice. They will not get as angry with you for placing a Tic Tac on the roulette wheel as they would for, let’s say, eating a nut at a blackjack table, but they will get angry. There are cameras everywhere in casinos. Everywhere. If you think you’re alone in an elevator when you decide to look in the mirror to check if there’s anything in your teeth, you’re not. Someone in a security office is getting a horrific eyeful of the inside of your nose.
    Next tip for roulette: If none of your numbers or colors or odds or evens is coming up, walk away. I mean it. Get up, turn around, and start walking. Go directly to a poker table.

POKER
    You know what I always say. I say it every day and when I’m not saying it, I’m singing it. You gotta know when to hold ’em and you gotta know when to fold ’em. And you gotta never, ever, ever try to eat shelled almonds at a blackjack table, you dummy.
    Now, you can know when to hold ’em or fold ’em yourself, or you can do what I do. Ask the other players at the table what they’re gonna do first, and then decide. Maybe treat it like a friendly game of go fish. “Hey, do you have an ace of spades? What about a pair of kings?” They might say “Go fish” or they might say “Go… something else.” But I think it’s worth a try.
    If you find that you are not winning too many hands at poker and/or the people at your table are getting mad at you, walk away. I’ve never been more serious. Just take your fifteen shots of straight vodka and your hooker, throw your almonds in the nearest trash can immediately, and walk away. Head to the closest craps table.

CRAPS
    To be honest, it’s hard for me to give you too many tips for craps because I don’t understand a thing about it. First of all, you can’t sit down, which is ridiculous. Instead, people are crowded around a table throwing things and yelling “Yo!” and “Loose deuce!” and “Give me