Seriously... I'm Kidding

it looked like a warthog, and I had to remind her we don’t live on an African game reserve. Yet.
    For a long time I was pretty sure she saw a opossum, but we did eventually figure out that the mystery creature she spotted was a javelina. They’re normally found in desert areas like Tucson. I don’t know what it was doing in Beverly Hills. All I know is, the next time I saw it, it was reading a script for the next Transformers movie and taking meetings with agents.
    When I’m not pondering by my pond, I’m outside gardening in my garden. (That is, when I’m not lanaiing on my lanai.) I love to garden. I find it very therapeutic. Actually, I treat it just like therapy. I talk to my plants about what’s going on in my life, about my dreams and aspirations, my fears, my regrets, how frustrated I get when someone suddenly stops at the bottom of an escalator without realizing there’s a whole line of people piling up behind them. I find it very easy to talk to my plants about pretty much everything. And the best part is, instead of having a therapist who wants hundreds of dollars an hour, my plants only charge me sixty.
    I just read that gardening is the number one pastime in America. Well, I just wrote it anyway. Who knows if it’s true! What I do know is that gardening is my favorite pastime. I have a lot of hobbies, but there’s something about gardening that’s different. I think it’s because gardening is a hobby you can eat. You plant some seeds, you water some soil, and in just a few short months, you’ve got yourself enough tomatoes to make a tiny salad.
    There aren’t a lot of hobbies you can eat. Like, let’s say you love to cook. That’s a bad example. Let’s say you love to travel, and everywhere you go, you try the food at the best local—
    My point is, I love gardening as a hobby. Right now in our garden, Portia and I are growing tomatoes, peppers, zucchini, beets, eggplant, basil, and a whole assortment of herbs. It smells nice, it looks nice, and I can’t tell you how satisfying it is to be able to host a dinner party and offer my guests the literal fruits of my labor. (As it turns out, these are very different than the fruits of one’s loins. At a recent dinner party, I accidentally asked Martha Stewart how she was enjoying the fruits of my loins and she nearly choked on her stew.)
    If you don’t have a garden, I encourage you to plant one. It’s a fun thing to do and it’s great for the planet. And you know what I always say, time and time again—if you want to add a little spice to your life, plant some dill. And learn to salsa.

Adults Only Chapter

    A s I said, people of all ages watch my show. I have a lot of young viewers, but I also have a lot of older viewers. This chapter is for my older fans—those of you who are slightly more mature. If any kids are reading this book, turn the page now. This chapter is not appropriate for children. It’s for adults who experience adult situations, such as eating dinner before 6:00 and struggling to read menus in dim lighting conditions.
    Many adults, myself included, have trouble reading menus when they go out to eat at restaurants because the font is way too small. I know there are products to help with this problem, like reading and magnifying glasses, but I have a better idea. Make the font size larger. There should be a worldwide standard for menu font size. I’ve included a sample menu below with a suitable font size. You’ll notice that the menu font can be large enough to read while also being visually attractive.

Daily Specials for Chez DeGeneres

APPETIZER
Organic Mixed Greens with Teeny Tiny Tomatoes
MAIN COURSE
Something Delicious
SIDES
Fresh Broccolini and Zucchiniini
DESSERT
Raspberry Sorbet with Capers

    I don’t know why but everything sounds fancier with capers.

Gambling Tips

    I love to play poker. I play it every single day in my dressing room before I go out to do my show. I play it at home. I play it at friends’ houses. I play it on long plane rides and short plane rides. Basically if I’m awake and I’m not eating, working, or training my dogs to set the table, I’m playing poker.
    I used to love going to Las Vegas. What a clean, healthy town that is. Here is a fun fact about Las Vegas: You can literally do anything there. Anything. You can smoke in casinos, you can drink four jugs of tequila at once, you can try to spin yourself around on a roulette wheel while wearing only a piece of string on your