Seriously... I'm Kidding

usually a macaroni picture frame covered in glitter. As you get older you have to give gifts to more people because you have more people in your life trying to suck you dry.
    You have your family, your friends, your family’s friends, your friends’ families, everyone at work. And all those people get nicer and nicer around the holidays. Everyone’s extra helpful. “Do you need anything else, Mrs. DeGeneres? Can I shine your shoes for you?” And I’m always like, “Don’t be silly. You should be doing that anyway.”
    It gets harder and harder to figure out where the cutoff line is. I always like to get something for my mail carrier, but then I have to get something for my UPS person. That means I then have to get something for my FedEx person, my garbage person, my pool person, my plant lady person, my fish pond person, my trainer, my vocal coach, my dog’s vocal coach, and of course the woman who washes my face. And then what about the people I hire to do all my Christmas shopping? Do I have to get them gifts, too?
    No matter what, you’re going to forget someone who didn’t forget you. Here’s how to deal with it—take what they got you and tell them how much it means to you. Then reach into your bag and say, “I got you something special also. Wanna know what it is? Come here. Come a little closer. A little closer. Closer still. One more step toward me. I got you a hug.” And then you squeeze ’em real tight until you think you’ve squeezed out all of the disappointment.
    I feel bad for people with December birthdays because they have to deal with the combo gift. They are constantly hearing, “This is for your birthday and Christmas! Happy birthmas!” A combo gift means you get one real gift and, if you’re lucky, one extra thing your friend found while she was in the checkout line at Target. “Oooh, a sweater and Krazy Glue?! Thanks!” “Well, I know how much you love to glue stuff permanently! Merry birthday!”
    It’s really bad if your birthday is actually on Christmas day. (Unless you’re Jesus. In that case—what a party! By the way, if you are Jesus, thank you so much for buying this book. What an honor. Is there any way you’d give a quote for the paperback edition? I mean, who wouldn’t buy it if Jesus recommended it on the back? I ask only because Oprah’s Book Club ended and it would be a huge get, but you don’t have to decide right now.)
    Anyway, if your birthday is on Christmas day and you’re not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you’re a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with the combo gift, you get the combo song. “We wish you a merry Christmas—and happy birthday, Terry—we wish you a merry Christmas—happy birthday, Terry—we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye—Birthday, Terry!”
    It’s not fair and I have a message for parents out there. Don’t do that to your kids. Plan your love. I’m not great at baby math, so I’m just gonna say in the early part of the year, maybe January until March, stay away from each other. It’s not gonna be easy. Those are winter months and you’re going to want to stay warm. But unfortunately one of you is going to have to sleep in a tent in the backyard. Or one of you can climb that mountain in Brazil you’re always journaling about. Just stay away from each other. You can talk on the phone if you keep it clean. It’s for the benefit of all mankind.
    My birthday is in January, just a few weeks after the holidays. What that means for me is that I get my holiday gifts, and then for my birthday I get mostly regifted holiday gifts. Because everyone does the same thing after the holidays—they make their piles of “Keep” and “Regift.” The iPod you keep. Ugly sweater you regift. Digital camera you keep. Inappropriately shaped candle you give to the creepy guy who works in your payroll department.
    I’m lucky my birthday is in January because people tend to regift the good stuff first. If your birthday is in January or even February, you might actually end up with an iPod because maybe someone got one for Christmas but already had one. Or you could get a really nice bottle of wine because in January your friend still thinks he’s not gonna drink this year.
    But as the year goes on, the regifts get worse. By June you’re getting a framed picture of your friend’s