Shame

Pernilla’s father is alive but apparently suffers from dementia and is in some home somewhere, and her mother died ten years ago, but she was getting help from the Council. Some volunteer crisis group that comes over and takes care of her daughter so she can get some sleep.’
    Monika listened with interest. A volunteer crisis group?
    ‘Which crisis group was it, do you know?’
    ‘No.’
    She wrote down crisis group???? under her notes about Jacob Magnus Sprengporten and underlined the words several times.
    ‘I was so afraid that she’d be angry or something but she wasn’t. She even thanked me for being brave enough to come over. Börje and Ellinor came along, I didn’t dare go alone. She was so grateful to find out all the details about how it happened; she said it helped to know.’
    Monika could feel her body stiffen.
    ‘What sort of details?’
    ‘About the accident itself. How it was at the accident site. And how he had been during the course. I said that he had talked a lot about her and Daniella.’
    Monika needed to know more about those details that Pernilla had been told, but it was a hard question to ask. Åse left her no choice. She did her best to try to make the question sound natural.
    ‘Not that it makes any difference, but … did you say anything about me?’
    There was a brief pause. Monika was on tenterhooks. What if Åse had managed to ruin everything?
    ‘No …’
    She was staring into space. Then she got up and walked towards the computer in her office; she was halfway there when Åse asked the question.
    ‘But how are you feeling now?’
    She stopped. Her eyes fixed on the wall above the computer screen. Åse had broached the question so cautiously, almost timidly, as if she scarcely dared utter it.
    ‘How do you mean?’
    She sounded sharper than she intended.
    ‘Well, I just mean that I thought you might have known that … or maybe you had thought that … but there really isn’t any reason for …’
    For about half a minute Åse did her best to try and erase her question in a long ramble about unrelated trivia. Monika stood quite still. Her guilt belonged to her; it was nobody else’s business. But the question made her see that Åse had also recognised it and that it was absolutely essential to keep Åse away from Pernilla. She couldn’t risk having Åse running over there and sooner or later revealing that everything was actually Monika’s fault.
    ‘Are you still there?’
    Monika replied at once.
    ‘Yes, I’m here. I was just thinking.’
    ‘I don’t know quite what to do. I’d like so much to help her in some way.’
    Monika sat down at the computer and logged on to the Internet, going to the Council’s home page. She typed ‘crisis group’ in the search box and got a hit at once. She scanned the screen quickly. The hibiscus on the windowsill needed water. She went over and pressed her finger into the dry soil.
    ‘The fact is, Åse, that I think the best thing you can do for her is leave her alone. There’s nothing you can do. I’m telling you this as a doctor because I have experience with these matters. You have to try to distinguish between what’s good for her and what’s really only for your own sake.’
    Åse was silent and Monika waited. She wanted to have Pernilla to herself. She was her responsibility and no one else’s.
    Åse sounded almost bewildered when she continued.
    ‘Do you really think so?’
    ‘Yes. I’ve been through this before in similar cases.’
    Silence again. She pinched off a dry leaf and headed for the kitchen.
    ‘Try to get hold of yourself, Åse, your family needs you. What happened can’t be undone, and the best thing you can do is to try and get on with your own life and realise that nothing was your fault.’
    She went over to the worktop and opened the cupboard concealing the rubbish bag. She crumbled the dry leaf in her hand and let the pieces fall amongst the rest of the rubbish.
    ‘I’ll call you in a few days and see how you’re doing.’
    And then they hung up.
    But Monika never would call. It would be Åse who rang next time.

    Monika was in a bad mood after their conversation. Things were happening there in Pernilla’s flat that were beyond her control. It was time to make the next move. Time to step into her new role in earnest. She went out into the hall and put on her coat and boots.
    In the car she felt relieved, now that she was on her way. The thing was always to pick the direction that was