Shame

almost fanatical about reading history books.’
    Pernilla gave a little smile, and this time her eyes began to sparkle a bit.
    ‘How strange. I’m really interested in history too. Mattias often used that very word. That I was almost fanatical.’
    Monika stood silently, relinquishing the initiative. Pernilla looked at the portrait again.
    ‘There’s something consoling about history. Reading about all these destinies that have come and gone. At any rate it’s helped me gain a little perspective on my own problems, I mean all the trouble with my back after the accident and all.’
    Monika nodded with interest, as if she were actually following along. Following along intently. Pernilla looked down at her hands.
    ‘But now I don’t know.’
    She paused for a moment.
    ‘How there could be any consolation in history, I mean. Other than that he’s dead like all the rest.’
    Just listen. Don’t try to comfort her, just listen and be there .
    Silence. Not only because of what she had learned in her courses, but because she couldn’t think of anything to say. She glanced furtively at the jumble on the refrigerator door. She wanted so badly to have a closer look. Try to find more ways into Pernilla’s life.
    ‘He had to choose between this and what he had on when he died. When he was packing, I mean.’
    Pernilla stroked the big woollen jumper she was wearing. Pulled up the collar and pressed it against her cheek.
    ‘I did a big load of laundry the day before he died. Emptied the whole laundry basket. So now I don’t even have the smell of him left.’
    Just listen . But they hadn’t said much at those courses about how to act to be able to withstand everything you heard.
    It was Daniella who rescued her. A newly awakened discontent was audible from the room next to the kitchen. Pernilla let go of the collar and left. Monika took three steps over to the refrigerator and quickly began looking through the collage. Family photos. Coupons from a pizzeria. A strip of pictures of Mattias and Pernilla from a photo booth. Several incomprehensible drawings by a child. Some clippings from a newspaper. She had barely managed to read the headline of one of them before Pernilla returned.
    ‘This is Daniella.’
    The child hid her face against her mother’s neck.
    ‘She’s just woken up but she’ll be wide awake soon.’
    Monika went over to them and put her hand on Daniella’s back.
    Daniella pressed her face even harder into her hiding place.
    ‘We’ll have to say hello later after you’ve had time to wake up.’
    Pernilla pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down with Daniella on her lap. Once again the feeling that she expected Monika to leave, as she had asked her to do. But Monika wanted to stay a bit longer. Stay here where it was possible for her to breathe.
    ‘What an elegant ceramic bowl.’
    She pointed to a bowl on the windowsill.
    ‘Oh, that. I made it myself.’
    ‘Really?’
    Monika went over and took a closer look. Blue and thrown a little askew.
    ‘Really very fine. I once took a pottery course too, but I haven’t had a chance the past few years. My job takes up too much time.’
    That wasn’t even a lie. She had taken ceramics as an option in high school.
    ‘That one is really crooked. I only saved it as a reminder that I had to stop ceramics when I injured my back. I just couldn’t sit still very long anymore.’
    Pernilla sat looking at the bowl.
    ‘Mattias liked that one too. He said it reminded him of me. I wanted to throw it out but he absolutely insisted we keep it.’
    Each time his name was spoken Monika could feel her own heartbeat. How her pulse quickened, signalling danger. Daniella had come out of her hiding place and sat looking at her. Monika smiled.
    ‘I could take her outside for a bit if you like, so you can have a little peace and quiet. I notice there’s a playground.’
    Pernilla leaned her cheek against her daughter’s head.
    ‘Would you like that, sweetie? Do you want to go outside and swing a little?’
    Daniella raised her head and nodded. Monika felt the panic subside. Her heart calmed down and fell back into its normal rhythm. She had passed the first test.
    Now all she had to manage was the rest.

18
    T here was blood in the toilet when she peed. She had discovered it several days before, but it may have been going on for longer than that. It was a long time since her periods had stopped, so she knew it meant that something was wrong. But she couldn’t deal