Shame

sense the irrational fear she had felt during the conversation with Åse. With astounding clarity it was hovering just beneath the surface, as if waiting for the right opportunity to reappear at the slightest reminder. The threat that she would have to confront Pernilla, be forced to confess. In a lucid moment she had realised to her dismay that the guilt had only grown greater. Her sacrifices were being annihilated in the shadow of her lies, and becoming mixed in with everything she had done that was already unforgivable. If Pernilla ever found out the truth, her contempt would eliminate every way out but one, and that was to vanish from the face of the earth.
    But Monika owed it to Mattias to stay put.
    And she owed Lasse some justification for her life.

    Ellinor had given scanty information over the phone. She said only that one of her clients had severe lower back pain and needed medical attention but was refusing to leave her flat. When Monika finally had a chance to see the patient there in the living room, she was astonished that Ellinor hadn’t told her more. Or perhaps given her a little warning. Monika couldn’t remember ever having seen such a morbidly obese woman before, except perhaps in photographs when she was in medical school, and the sight of her immense size at first made her nearly speechless. She was quite certain that she had been able to conceal her surprise, though her somewhat delayed words of greeting may have revealed her reaction. But she thought that her professional demeanour had served her well. Then there was the patient’s behaviour. Monika had treated others who were afraid of being touched, but never anyone so markedly filled with anxiety as this woman. It was like an invisible shell all around her that had to be broken through before she could be reached. And when Monika’s hands touched the huge body, it shook as if with spasms. Since it was scarcely possible to feel anything through all those layers of fat, she had let the woman be and concentrated on taking samples instead.

    She felt schizoid stepping into her professional role again. Her insides were divided into two feuding camps, one of them satisfied at the objectivity of the examination she was performing, while the other noticed with annoyance that minutes which could have been put to better use were ticking away to no advantage. But at least there was still a hint of a longed-for calm. The tricks of the trade that she knew so well. Resting in her own competence. For a short while she could be in total control and know exactly what had to be done. For the first time in weeks she could leave behind her subordinate position and be treated with respect.
    It was just at that moment that the woman opened her mouth and confirmed all the misgivings she had felt ever since Ellinor had given her the address. That someone might have seen her. Before the woman even finished her sentence Monika was wrenched back to her self-imposed inferno, and no tricks in the world could protect her from the threat she faced. Faster than she thought possible she beat a retreat and not until it was too late did she realise her mistake.
    She had lied.
    Fabricated yet another thread in the net of lies that was getting harder and harder for her to control. At the slightest carelessness one of the knots might unravel and bring down the rest with it, and now she had lied without having any idea of the woman’s relationship to Pernilla or what that might lead to.
    In desperation she let the seconds tick away and tried to act normally while she frantically looked for a solution that could repair her mistake. She quickly considered every imaginable reason why she could have been out there in the courtyard with Pernilla’s daughter. Weighed the probabilities against each other, and the seconds hurried by without anything being said. When she had packed all her equipment away and closed up her bag, and all that was left to do was hand over the plastic container for the urine sample, she still hadn’t found any way out, but she had to say something.
    ‘Oh yes, now I remember. A while ago I was over here with a friend and her daughter. She was supposed to drop off something for a colleague who lived here, and I kept the daughter company out in the playground, by the swings. That must have been where you saw me. But the girl doesn’t live in that building.’
    And perhaps she only imagined it, but a tiny smile seemed to play around the corners of the