Shame

and child outside in the playground in her mind’s eye.
    ‘And your mother?’
    ‘Well, it’s unbelievable, but she walked away without a scratch. She was in shock, of course, and she has such a guilty conscience because he died and she survived. She was driving, after all. And he had a child and everything.’
    Maj-Britt thought some more, watching Ellinor’s back as if it might give her some additional clues.
    ‘So that doctor, pardon me, Monika I mean, was she in the car too?’
    Ellinor turned round. Stood there a moment and then went back to the sofa. She sat cross-legged and put the embroidered cushion on her lap. Then she suddenly looked at Maj-Britt and smiled. Maj-Britt was instantly on her guard. The little gap she had opened closed up like a clam.
    ‘What is it?’
    Ellinor shrugged.
    ‘I suddenly realised that this is the first time we’ve talked to each other. I mean really talked. The first time you’ve started a conversation.’
    Maj-Britt looked away. She wasn’t quite sure that this was a good sign, that she had actually started a conversation voluntarily. She hadn’t even noticed it herself. She had done it without thinking, almost as if it had happened naturally. And of course Ellinor had noticed that, the change. For the moment Maj-Britt couldn’t decide what it might lead to, whether it was good or bad. Whether it might be turned against her. But she knew that she wanted answers to her questions, so that she would have some sort of compensation if this whole conversation proved to be a mistake.
    ‘I asked whether she was in the car too.’
    ‘No, but she was supposed to be. She and Mattias traded places on the way home, and she rode with someone else instead. The last day of the course was delayed or something, and she was in a hurry to get home, and Mattias offered to stay.’
    Maj-Britt took in the information and sorted it as best she could. Attempted to link it with the fact that the doctor had tried so firmly to deny that she knew the fatherless child. And the endless patience with which she had pushed the swing.
    She and Mattias traded places on the way home .
    ‘Did they know this Mattias before the course?’
    Ellinor shook her head.
    ‘They were all strangers before the course started. That was the whole point.’
    And with that Ellinor brought Maj-Britt’s thoughts to a conclusion. She had added the one comment that was necessary to link the chain together into an understandable explanation.
    ‘I wonder how she feels, I mean Monika. If they hadn’t traded places then she would have been dead now. I wonder how it feels to walk around knowing that.’

    To think what a polite attempt at conversation could yield. Her little question had hit the bull’s-eye and broken open a peephole right into the insides of that know-it-all doctor. But that was always where the sore points were. Desperately hidden away in the dark, but so easy to get to if you managed to aim the question in the right direction. The only thing that could not be explained was the lie itself. Why had she denied that she knew that child and the mother who had lost her husband because she was still alive?
    Unless she had lied to them too.

27
    T he cemetery was apparently deserted. Monika stood filling a watering can and would soon rejoin her mother by the grave. It had taken Monika only five minutes to stop at the bank, rush in and put the money in Pernilla’s account, but she had still arrived late, and as expected her mother had been angry. It had become even worse since she retired. She had all the time in the world to sit and wait. Now every minute had become crucial, and those that went to waste wrought great havoc in her empty calendar. She had never had a particularly large circle of friends, and since she had retired it had become even smaller. She had never met a new husband. Maybe she had never even been interested. Monika didn’t know. They never talked about such things. Never talked about anything important at all. They would slip into the meaningless chatter they were used to as soon as they came near each other. They would skid about amongst all the words that never led anywhere and then inevitably slide back to where they started.
    Today Monika had hardly been able to control herself when she was met by that peevish glare. With a brusque remark her mother had climbed into the car and then sat in silence during the ten minutes or so that the trip took. And Monika could feel her fury