Shame

floor; these were
mothers
designed to reject their babies, pushing them away with mechanical spikes until the little monkeys dropped to the concrete.”
    “What was the point of the experiments?”
    “I think it was to create monsters, because that’s what it did. The monkeys grew up to be very abnormal. They didn’t know how to be social. They attacked other monkeys for no reason, and they abused themselves. And when they became mothers, usually as a consequence of Harlow’s setting up a controlled rape, the results were tragic. Offspring were abused and killed.”
    Anna shook her head. “I’m a nurse. I’ve seen a lot of pain and suffering. But the pictures accompanying the text really got to me. Despite all the rejection, the young monkeys kept trying to go back to their artificial mothers. So great was their need for nurturing, they were willing to endure the source of their paintime and time again. I can still see their desperate faces. All they wanted was a little love.”
    “Did you ever talk about this with Caleb?”
    “No. It was something else we swept under the rug. That week Caleb stopped going to classes. He said formal education didn’t appeal to him.”
    “Did you believe him?”
    “No.”
    Anna’s expression showed how conflicted she was. She didn’t want to be disloyal.
    “But that doesn’t make Cal a liar or anything. I’m certain he had nothing to do with those women’s deaths. I know he’s innocent.”
    The rising tone of her voice qualified her statement; a few moments later, so did Anna.
    “I just wish he hadn’t closed off so much of himself to me and the kids. I’ve lived with Cal for eleven years, and there have been times I wondered if I ever really knew him. He’s this puzzle with all sorts of missing pieces.”
    A puzzle that saw himself as a Harlow experiment, thought Elizabeth. But an experiment at what stage? Had Caleb seen himself as the rejected waif or the grown-up monster? By his own words Caleb had said he was doomed, but he had never specified whether his fate was as victim or victimizer. Maybe at the time he hadn’t known.
    Maybe he still didn’t.

17

    S LEEP WOULDN’T COME. The more Caleb pursued it, the more it eluded him. The room felt stuffy and cramped, and as time passed the bed and pillows became instruments of torture. Caleb missed Anna and the kids. Their absence made his chest feel empty, as if there were a hole there.
    It felt like everything was closing in on him. He tried to control his claustrophobia but couldn’t. The pressure kept increasing. Finally he jumped off the bed, rushed over to the window, and pressed his head up against the screen, gulping in the night air. The thought of prison, of being shut in an even smaller room, made Caleb hyperventilate. He became lightheaded, and had to grab the window sill to avoid falling. But the walls still closed in....
    “Cal? Is that your name? I mean your real name?”
    The pack tightened their circle and cut off his escape. He looked around, desperate to find an opening. There wasn’t one.
    “I haven’t heard an answer, Cal.”
    Eddie McGlynn had picked on Caleb from his first day at the high school. McGlynn put his face close to Caleb’s, not more than two inches away, and waited for his answer with pretended interest.
    “Cal or Caleb. Either one.”
    “Either one,” said McGlynn. “Why, that’s mighty generous of you, Cal.”
    He had never officially changed his name, had just dropped his first name of Gray and taken to using his middle name. Caleb had hoped the name change would put some distance between him and his father, that people would forget, but that had proved a false hope. The people of Concho County had long memories. Since his father’s conviction and execution, Caleb had always tried to be invisible, not to stand out, but few classmates allowed him to be anonymous. He was everyone’s favorite target. The boys growing up in Concho County were always beating him up.
    The circle of man-boys closed in on Caleb. Most of those who surrounded him were a year or two older than his sixteen years. He looked around for teachers, for help, and saw Mr. Harriman the math teacher observe what was happening, only to close his door and pretend not to notice what was going on.
    “If your real name’s Cal or Caleb,” Eddie said, “how’s come I’ve seen a different name on class lists and stuff?”
    Caleb shook his head. “Don’t know,” he said.
    “Now what’s that name