Shatner Rules

own shows.
    And I’m all for spin-offs, but they never happened.
    FAILED
STAR TREK
SPIN-OFFS
    Montgomery’s Ward
: Montgomery “Scotty” Scott retires to run a haggis shop and is forced to raise an irascible teenager named Lulu. He threatens all her boyfriends with “opening up a big can of fully activated phaser bank!”
    Uhura-Who?
: Uhura suffers amnesia, sits around, and monitors the frequency of a nearby ATM machine.
    Warp & Windy:
Mr. Sulu tries his hand as a weatherman at a small-town television station. His catchphrase? “There will be rain this weekend. Engage Slickers!”
    And I believe the adoration of these supporting actors at conventions led to a mutiny against their beloved captain. There were allegations that I stole lines from cast members, close-ups, someone’s lunch out of the fridge. No comment on that last one.
RULE: If You Don’t Write Your Name on Your Lunch, I Write “William Shatner” on It
    And I have apologized time and time again for whatever it was I supposedly did. In the press, on the television, in the pages of my books, and in person.
    But there is one thing I will not apologize for. There is a hierarchy in show business, which I did not invent. The stars get the preferential treatment. That’s how it is. The people who are paid less, based on billing, get less attention. The main character in
Star Trek
was James T. Kirk. He narrated the show. He was . . .
captain
of the ship upon which the stars were trekked! And traditionally, the stars of shows and films get more lines, more close-ups, and a slightly larger dressing room.
    My costars, however, seem to have crossed into a mirror universe due to a transporter malfunction, and they have flipped this hierarchy. Once, while posing for a publicity photo for one of the
Star Trek
movies, the photographer dared put me/Kirk front and center. And I very clearly heard Jimmy Doohan exclaim, “Why is he always up front? I’m tired of being in the back!”
    Keep in mind, Jimmy didn’t have a Scottish accent in real life, so remarks like that sounded much less charming.
    I have also been accused of “counting” lines. I won’t dignify this with an explanation, but if you count the lines of any given
Star Trek
script (not that I have), you can clearly see that Kirk has more lines than Scotty. Or so I have been told. Because Kirk is the main character. Not ego. Fact.
    That’s what I’ve been up against. And no one has held it against me more than George Takei.
    George buys into the stolen close-ups/lines stuff, and he also claims I kept his character from getting his own Federation starship in the movies. I remember a conversation we had quite clearly, as it was right before we shot one of the films.
     
    GEORGE: Bill, they’re giving me my own starship.
    WS: Why would you want that? All the action’s on the
Enterprise
.
    GEORGE: But . . . it will be
my
starship.
    My statement that “all the action’s on the
Enterprise
” later somehow constituted my ruining the commission chances of George/Sulu. George Takei obviously believes I’m a man of tremendous, limitless power. No wonder I have such a big, shiny ego!
    Anyway, George announced he was going to marry his longtime partner, Brad Altman, in 2008. I was very happy for him; it’s always wonderful when someone finds true love. And then promptly afterward, George announced I was not invited to the wedding.
    Should that announcement have been his first priority? Should that have even been an announcement?
    Shouldn’t he have been busy picking out a wedding DJ? Buying the rings? Constructing a William Shatner piñata for the reception?
    Well, needless to say, the only invitation I got from George was an invitation to a knock-down, drag-out fight in the tabloids. He later flip-flopped and said that I
had
been invited, but that I failed to RSVP.
    What can you do when confronted with such bizarre behavior? I just shrugged and said, “Oh my!” (There, George, I stole
that
from you. Happy?)
RULE: Always Invite Shatner to Your Wedding. He’ll Be Able to Negotiate “Love, Honor, and Obey” Down to “Like, Generally Respect, and Sure Thing, Whatevs!”
    George managed to generate a great deal of publicity for his marriage, and the wedding party looked like the speaker’s schedule at a Star Trek convention. Walter Koenig, Ensign Pavel Chekov, was George’s best man, while Lieutenant Uhura, Nichelle Nichols, was maid of honor. I can only assume that Yarnek, the rock