Shatner Rules

occur, Jews like myself aren’t supposed to be “beamed up” by God. I can’t believe there is such a flaw in the reasoning of people who are awaiting the Rapture! Either way, like it or not God, I’m getting into Heaven. I can negotiate
anything
!)
    The famed line has appeared on mugs, fridge magnets, and T-shirts, and corrupt Ohio congressman James Traficant would end his House of Representatives floor speeches with the phrase. (Unfortunately, no one beamed him up before he was sent away to federal prison for a few years.)
    “Beam me up, Scotty” has been used as a lyric in dozens of popular songs by such artists as Kid Rock, Jimmy Buffett, Erykah Badu, Nicki Minaj, and R. Kelly. It’s been used in too many television shows to count:
Family Guy, Stargate SG-1, Bones, Heroes, Gilmore Girls, Friends, Futurama,
and
Robot Chicken.
In an episode of
South Park
, the Latin version of the phrase was used:
“Me transmitte sursum Caledonii.”
And honestly, if the Catholic Church would update their masses with Latin phrases such as these, they might see a spike in attendance.
    James Doohan used
Beam Me Up, Scotty
as the title of his autobiography. I imagine the working title of that book was
Things I Hate about Shatner, Vol.
1.
    Yes, people around the world all know the phrase “Beam me up, Scotty.” What many people
don’t
know is that it was never used in the television show
Star Trek
.
    Like “Play it again, Sam,” “Elementary, my dear Watson,” and “Luke, I am your father” (whatever
that
means), “Beam me up, Scotty” is one of pop culture’s most famous misquotations. We said, “Scotty, beam us up,” we said, “Scotty, beam me up,” we said, “Beam them out of there, Mr. Scott,” we said, “Scotty, beam up Kirk, unless you are concerned that the process of beaming will give him a close-up.” (Okay, that one is a lie, but it would make a funny T-shirt.)
RULE: William Shatner Likes It When You Send Him T-Shirts You’ve Made (HINT)
    None of this has stopped people from using the phrase “Beam me up, Scotty.” And it has not stopped people from shouting it at me over the last forty-odd years.
    Ever since the early 1970s, when the show grew exponentially in popularity through syndication, part of the price of being me is that many folks think I like to have “Beam me up, Scotty” yelled, screamed, and shouted at me.
    You know, I’ve been acting since 1937—I have done other work! Feel free to clip out this handy guide and keep it in your wallet for the next time you see me in person.

SUGGESTED THINGS TO SCREAM AT SHATNER BASED ON HIS WORK (OUTSIDE OF THE
STAR TREK
CANON)
     
    “Put on a fake mustache, Agent Cable!”
    I played nineteenth-century government agent Jeff Cable in the short-lived 1975 ABC series
Barbary Coast
. The character wore many disguises. It makes sense!
     
    “Let’s keep America free, brave, and white!”
    This is a super-obscure nod to a line I delivered as the racist hatemonger in Roger Corman’s
The Intruder
. Please make sure not to shout this one at me in a public place.
     
    “Where’s your naked Angie Dickinson?”
    Another nod to the Roger Corman universe, this time to the film
Big Bad Mama
. It’s okay to shout this one in a public place, but please make sure I am not with Mrs. Shatner or my grandkids.
     
    “Hey, Dad? Say some bleep!”
    Okay, this one is a little awkward. And frankly, I’m still smarting that the show got canceled.

Despite the facts at hand, people have just stuck with “Beam me up, Scotty,” and eventually I got used to having it shouted at me.
    Mockery is a tricky thing with me. Laughing
with
? Fine. Laughing
at
? Trouble. But the problem about laughing
with
is that sometimes you mistakenly join in the derision.
    I certainly understand that shouting “Beam me up, Scotty” to a total stranger is a way to connect . . . with a total stranger. I’m a total stranger who’s been barging into everyone’s living rooms for the past half century, so I guess some folks feel a kind of connection when they see me.
    I brought my car in to be repaired a few weeks back, and the mechanic said, “Must be weird that people come up to you assuming they know you.” He thought about it for a second and added, “You know, we
do
know you, because you’re in our lives daily.”
RULE: Even If You’re a Mechanic Who Wisely Hits upon a Core Issue Concerning My Existence and Place in the World While Working on My Car, I’m Still Going to