Shatner Rules

Mac or Countrywide, built a wonderful, lovely home. It was worth all that pain and humiliation.
    I was later blessed with a photo of the house that my kidney stone built, and the smiling Louisiana family out front. I have never spoken to them, but perhaps this is a good time to explain to them some of the . . .
    RULES FOR LIVING IN THE HOUSE THAT SHATNER’S KIDNEYS BUILT
     
    1. If Shatner ever comes by, he gets to use the bathroom.
    2. As a sign of tribute, please rename your home Billstone Manor. I can provide you with my measurements for the statue out front. (They won’t be exactly accurate—the statue might be made a little taller and more ripped—but this is a
tribute
.)
    3. If Shatner does come by, please provide fresh water and foods that are not high in oxalate. I know you like your home, but I never want to get kidney stones again.

QUIZ
    Which type of kidney stones did William Shatner suffer from?
    A. Calcium oxalate stones
    B. Calcium phosphate stones
    C. Uric acid stones
    D. Struvite stones
    E. Cystine stones
    F. All of the above

The answer is B, calcium phosphate stones. If anyone tries to sell you some authentic William Shatner struvite stones or genuine Shatner cystine rocks, they are ripping you off! And if you gleefully answered “all of the above,” you’re some kind of sick sadist!

CHAPTER 12
RULE: You Can Always Find a Good Friend in a White Crowd
    U m, you know, that rule didn’t come out quite right.
    (It sounds like something my character, Adam Cramer, would have said in the 1962 Roger Corman ahead-of-its-time racial drama
The Intruder.
Haven’t seen it? You should. It really holds up.)
    Now where was I? Oh yes, I was offering up a non-racist rule.
RULE, TAKE TWO: Never Wear White after Labor Day. Or Any Day until the Following Labor Day.
    That’s a little better. Now, this story—like all great stories—starts with Marjoe Gortner.
    Remember Marjoe Gortner? He first came to fame as a child evangelist and faith healer, and at four years old was touted as “the youngest ordained minister in history.” He was the subject of the 1972 Academy Award–winning documentary
Marjoe,
in which he revealed some of the more lucrative—and fraudulent—aspects of the tent revival business.
    Marjoe parlayed this fame into an acting career, where he played a psychotic thug in the movie
Earthquake
, a psychotic thug in
When You Comin’ Back, Red Ryder?
, and a psychotic thug in the acclaimed TV movie
The Marcus-Nelson Murders
, which also introduced the world to a detective named Kojak, played by Telly Savalas. Clearly, if you can convince people you speak to God, you can also convince them you are psychotic.
    Marjoe and I starred together in a TV movie in the 1970s called
Pray for the Wildcats
, in which Andy Griffith played the psychotic thug. (There’s a change of pace.) And we’ve remained friendly ever since. Marjoe is a unique guy and somewhat difficult to cast, so he has since retired from the movie bad guy game and now organizes great charity sporting events around the country and the world. And I was lucky enough to be invited to one in Jamaica a few years back.
    My wife and I landed on the lush island paradise and checked into our suite. It was very nicely appointed, and on the bureau was a beautifully engraved invitation to a “White Party” the following evening. I must admit to being somewhat flummoxed by the invitation, and saddened to see the last vestiges of colonialism still hanging on. The missus then attempted to assuage my fears by telling me it was a party in which all the attendees were to
wear
white. My fears were only assuaged somewhat.
    Sorry, but I don’t wear all-white ensembles, and certainly don’t travel around with them.
    Why? Well, I’ve been away from my hometown of Montreal for many years, but a bit of my hometown of Montreal goes with me wherever I go. It’s freezing there. The only people who wear all white in that city are the asylum orderlies whose job it is to collect people in Montreal who wear all white. You do not walk around in the City of Saints dressed for the tropics.

    FUN FACTNER: Montreal is sometimes called the City of Saints, in case you were wondering where I got that.
    I shrugged it off. I had some white socks. That ought to count for something. Who was going to be so uptight as to deny me admittance to a party because of a lack of foresight when packing my suitcase?
    The wife would.
RULE: Anything Can Be Negotiated—As Long as