Shatner Rules

take it personally, Germany, but the little Jewish kid inside of me from Montreal who grew up during World War II just doesn’t like the sound of Düsseldorf, Essen, Frankfurt, and Nuremberg.

    FUN FACTNER: William Shatner was in the film
Judgment at Nuremberg
along with Spencer Tracy, Burt Lancaster, Richard Widmark, Judy Garland, Marlene Dietrich, and Montgomery Clift. The film won two Academy Awards.*
    * ADDENDUM TO PREVIOUS FUN FACTNER: The above Fun Factner is the only “fun” fact ever associated with Nuremberg.
     
    The trunk of my rental car was filled with everything I’d need to put myself at ease in Germany: several pairs of lederhosen and a return-trip ticket. I was really questioning my decision to visit, but I was in Germany because of that most important Shatner Rule: Say “ja!”
    I had been asked to appear at an event for German television, along with that other famed German television icon: Charlton Heston. We were both receiving some kind of lifetime achievement award.
    Charlton Heston was a fine actor and a movie icon, but I didn’t know the man and was really looking forward to meeting him. I am drawn to controversial figures, and in recent years Heston had grown more and more political and—to some people—a little polarizing. The man had played Moses, but he was currently a God to gun owners across America.

    FUN FACTNER: Both Charlton Heston and William Shatner served as Bacchus King at Mardi Gras. Only one of them had the courage to go pantsless.
    This was around the time Charlton Heston was standing before NRA gatherings, raising a musket in his hand, and bellowing,
“From my cold dead hands!”
Since he was joining me for this event in Germany, I could only assume he softened that stance when passing through airport security.
    Before our awards show, I was to meet Heston in person, as we were both going to be guests of honor at a dinner for the event advertisers at a German restaurant. Although if we were really guests of honor, they would have taken us somewhere besides a German restaurant.
    One German horror
not
chronicled by the History Channel is the food. To be fair, around this time, I had become a bit of a food snob, having just come off hosting
Iron Chef USA
. We had shot two specials, featuring myself and celebrity judges Steve Schirripa, Brande Roderick, and comedy writer and
Hollywood Squares
fixture Bruce Vilanch.
    And by the way—if you’re going to have Bruce Vilanch on a cooking show, expect one or more hairs in your food.
    It was similar to the popular Japanese program, except now
I
was the chairman, swaggering around Kitchen Stadium in what can best be described as an “Edwardian spacesuit,” lording over such contests as “Dungeness Crab Challenge!” In fact, my experience on
Iron Chef USA
brought across my palate a dessert concoction that celebrity chef Kerry Simon called Crab Gelato. It was an ice cream that was the true essence of crab!
    Was it the essence of
good?
    Well, I was relieved not to see it on our menu that evening at the German restaurant. And Simon was in tears when the judges on
Iron Chef USA
spat it into their napkins.

    FUN FACTNER: After doing
Iron Chef USA,
William Shatner cooked Kentucky burgoo on a television show called
Cooking’s a Drag
, featuring a sassy transvestite chef named Betty Dee Lishous. Mr. Shatner no longer does cooking programs.
    As soon as Elizabeth and I arrived at the restaurant, I was introduced to Mr. Heston, and he was . . . a little chilly. Somewhat aloof. Occasionally, those of us who have plied our trade in television get a bit of the cold shoulder from the actors who have spent most of their careers on the big(ger) screen. Although I’m not sure if he was being distant or just being . . . Charlton Heston: square-jawed, iconic, ready to remove damned dirty ape hands from his person at a moment’s notice.
    Which brings me to my rule: When I’m not being Shatner, I turn it off.
    Depending on the location, when you meet me, you probably won’t meet Shatner. I will probably be in Bill mode. Bill’s a very nice guy. He likes horses, and his kids and grandkids. Bill adores his wife. Bill turns the lights off at night and makes sure the bills get paid, and he memorizes his lines during his spare time so he doesn’t get fired from his current job. That’s who Bill is. (He tries not to speak of himself in the third person, but sometimes it just slips through.)
    The real William Shatner is a fairly