Shutdown (Glitch)

even days. I had to think like that. That I was just training my body. I wondered if there was a way to meditate where I could go into a restful state without actually falling asleep. Now probably wasn’t the best time to be experimenting though, considering it could cost me my life.
    I looked at the ferns and shrubs all over the ground, then up at the tree trunks, then finally to the dots of sky visible through the tree tops. The leaves undulated and shook in the wind. There was so much life all around me. And noise, especially the continuous screech of the cicadas and the musiclike trill of what I assumed was a bird—I’d never seen or heard one up close before. Occasionally another bird would respond with a low guttural call that ended in a squawk. It made the hairs on my arms stand up. I wondered what other living things were out there hidden among the trees—I remembered Adrien’s comment about bears and shuddered.
    But eventually, not even my worry about hungry forest animals could keep me awake. It had been easier when we were moving, but sitting still like this, staying awake was becoming impossible. I’d find my eyes slowly closing, only blinking them rapidly before they dropped shut completely. So I tried closing one eye at a time, hoping that would help. Instead, it only made me more aware of how good it would feel to close both my eyes.
    I jumped to my feet to avoid the temptation of letting my eyes fall shut. At this point I don’t think even lying on a bed of nails would keep me awake for long. Nothing was going to really help except actual sleep. I paced again. I just had to keep moving, that was the trick.
    I didn’t know how long I’d been at it, a few hours maybe, when Adrien suddenly cried out.
    I hurried over to him in the dim light of the setting sun. He sat straight up and gasped as if he couldn’t get a breath. An animal-like noise came from his throat.
    I dropped down beside him. “What’s wrong?”
    He didn’t answer. Had something bitten him? An insect or snake? I did a quick survey of his body, examining each limb, then his torso and head. But there was nothing. He just kept rocking back and forth, clutching his arms to his chest. Finally I realized he wasn’t hurt.
    He was crying. Adrien was crying.
    “Adrien.” I hurriedly wrapped my arms around his shaking shoulders. “Shh, it’s okay, it was only a dream.”
    I couldn’t be sure, but I thought he moved his head a tiny bit so that it rested on my shoulder as his sobs slowed.
    “It’s okay,” I kept murmuring. I gently stroked his hair, clutching him closer. “It’s okay now. You’re safe.”
    “I dreamed of Sophia dying.” His voice was barely a whisper. “The Regulators smashed her face in. I saw her head explode like a melon and there was so much blood…”
    “Shhhhh,” I said. “Shh, it’s gonna be okay. We’re going to be okay.” The mumbled words were all I could think to say. It was the first time I’d seen Adrien cry since the lobotomy. Over the past few months, I’d assumed that he wasn’t capable of emotions anymore, but maybe that was only because he hadn’t let me see. When had he started being able to feel again? It was a month ago that he’d stopped letting me take his hand when I visited in the afternoons. Had it been that long?
    “I hate it when I cry.” The way he said it made it sound like this wasn’t the first time. He pulled away from me finally and swiped angrily at his eyes. “It’s completely illogical.”
    “Not everything is about logic. You’re crying because you loved her,” I said.
    “Impossible,” he said vehemently. “I barely even knew her.”
    “You said you had your memories. You remember what it felt like when she held you as a child. You remember what it felt like when you were scared and she was there to comfort you.”
    “That’s just it.” He pursed his lips tightly together. “That’s what none of you understand. I have the memories you talk about, but thinking about them is like watching strangers in a projection vid. It doesn’t feel like they happened to me . I never loved her. He loved her. She meant nothing to me.”
    “Then why are you crying?” My voice went high-pitched as my emotions bubbled up in spite of my determination to stay patient. I was tired of his cold reasoning.”She obviously does mean something to you. You have emotions even if you don’t want them. You can feel love and hate and sadness and passion. Even if