Six Geese a-Laying

me?’
    There’s a pause. Then the spirit nods, and the screen lights up again.
    Even though I was expecting it, I can’t help feeling a jolt as I see myself on the screen. I’m holding a baby, watching Dan as he taps at a crib with a hammer.
    ‘You’re useless!’ I’m saying. ‘It’s a
rocking
crib! It should bloody rock!’
    The image segues straight into another one. Dan’s changing the baby’s nappy while I hover behind.
    ‘That’s not how the tabs go!’ I’m snapping. ‘You’ve done it wrong!’
    As I hear my own voice I feel an uncomfortable twinge. I never realised before how sharp it was.
    And I’ve never seen Dan with that hurt expression before. I stare, transfixed, as my screen self turns towards him and he quickly wipes it away with a smile.
    ‘Well you’re OK too, Ginny!’ says Georgia, sounding a little piqued. ‘Everything’s fine!’
    ‘It’s not.’ My voice sounds a little hoarse to my own ears.
    Now the images are coming thick and fast. Dan with me and the baby at home, at the shops, at the park. And a constant soundtrack of my own voice, snapping at him. ‘You’re useless!’ ‘That’s wrong!’ ‘Give it here, I’ll do it!’
    Shut up!
I want to yell at myself.
Leave the poor man alone!
    But my screen-self just keeps on relentlessly hectoring and criticising. And all I can see is Dan’s face, gradually closing in on itself. Until he looks as though he doesn’t want to know anymore. As though he’s had enough.
    I feel a shaft of panic.
    ‘Spirit…’ I say quickly. ‘You didn’t answer the question before. Are these the things that
will
happen? Or that
might
happen?’
    I look up. But the room is empty. The spirit’s gone. Slowly the lights are coming up.
    I look around – and the others are all blinking. Georgia’s rubbing her eyes. Gabby looks as though she’s in a trance. As though from nowhere, Petal has materialised at the front of the room.
    ‘That was your final lesson,’ she says in soft tones. ‘I’ll ask you all now a small favour. I would prefer that the exact contents of my classes be kept to yourselves.’
    We all give stupefied nods. I don’t think any of us can quite speak.
    ‘Please, take a few moments to gather yourselves.’ Petal smiles around at us. ‘You can leave whenever you’re ready. And good luck. All of you.’
    Before any of us can say anything, she makes her way to the doorway and vanishes. We all sit in dazed silence for a few moments. Then there’s a small crash as
Intelligent Baby
slithers off Georgia’s lap onto the floor.
    ‘Here you are,’ says Gina, picking it up. Georgia surveys it for a few moments.
    ‘Thanks,’ she replies. She takes it from Gina’s hand and rips the whole thing in two.
    There’s a scuffling next to me, and I see Geraldine pulling her leather notebook out of her bag. She rips out the page on which she’d written ‘Davies – COMPLAIN’ and crumples it up.
    ‘There,’ she says, and exhales sharply.
    ‘Does anyone want to go for a drink?’ says Gabby suddenly. ‘I could do with one.’
    ‘Absolutely,’ says Georgia in heartfelt tones.
    ‘Me too,’ says Grace, stepping forward. Her cheeks are glowing and she looks like a new woman. She shakes her hair back, as though practising for her new style. ‘I’m in no hurry.’
    ‘Sod the baby,’ says Gina. ‘I need a double vodka.’
    ‘Ginny?’ Geraldine looks at me. ‘You coming?
    ‘You all go.’ I say. ‘I…have to get home. Now.’
    ***
    As I arrive home, Dan’s in the nursery. He looks up as I approach, and for the first time ever I notice the wary look in his eyes.
    ‘I’m trying to make up this crib,’ he says. ‘But it won’t rock.’ He shoves it in frustration.
    ‘I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with it—’
    ‘It doesn’t matter.’ I cut him off. ‘None of it matters. Come here.’ I hold out my arms and Dan looks at me in startled bemusement.
    I feel a small icy plunge. It’s too late. It’s all too late.
    Then, slowly, Dan puts down his screwdriver. He comes forward and takes me in his arms, and I find myself clinging onto him.
    ‘Happy Christmas.’ I say, my voice muffled with emotion. ‘And…and thank you. For making the crib. And everything. Thank you for everything.’
    ‘That’s OK!’ says Dan with a surprised laugh. ‘Happy Christmas to you too, darling.’ He smiles down at me, stroking my bump. ‘And Happy Christmas to this little one.’
    For a while the two of us are