Snuff

parapet of the staircase like a mother putting her baby to bed. There was a twang, and seventeen yards away a geranium was decapitated. This passed without notice, except by the geranium and a raggedy figure hiding in the rhododendrons, that said “Snack!” to itself, but resolutely carried on staring at Vimes.
    The tableau of shock on the steps was interrupted by Lady Sybil, who could walk very quietly for a large woman. “Gentlemen, what is going on here?”
    â€œThis young man, allegedly the local policeman, wishes to take me into custody on a charge of suspicion of murder, my dear.”
    There passed between husband and wife a look that deserved the status of telepathy. Sybil stared at Feeney. “Ah, you would be young Upshot, I suppose. I was sorry to hear about the death of your grandmother, and I do trust that your mother continues well. I used to visit her when I was a girl. And you want to arrest my husband, do you?”
    Feeney, goggle-eyed, managed an unprofessional “Yes, ma’am.”
    Sybil sighed and said sternly, “Well, then, can I hope that at least this can be done without further vegetable carnage?” She looked at Vimes. “Is he taking you to prison?”
    She turned her attention back to Feeney, a man now confronted by a cannon loaded with a thousand years of upper-class self-assurance. “He’ll need fresh clothing, constable. If you tell me where you’re taking him, and you will tell me where you’re taking him, I’ll personally bring down suitable garments. Will I need to sew the stripes on them, or does that happen automatically? And I would be grateful if you had him back here by teatime, because we’re expecting visitors.”
    Lady Sybil took a step forward and Feeney took a step backward to escape the wrath of the impending bosom. She said, “May I wish you the best of luck in your undertaking, young man. You’ll need it. Now please excuse me. I have to go and talk to the cook.”
    She swept away, leaving the incredulous Feeney staring after her. Then the doors that had just closed behind her opened again, and she said, “Are you still a bachelor, young man?”
    Feeney managed a “Yes.”
    â€œThen you are invited to tea,” she said cheerfully. “There are some very eligible young ladies coming, and I’m sure that they will be most excited to see a young man who is prepared to dance on the very edge of hell. Do wear your helmet, Sam, in case there is any police brutality. Willikins, come with me. I want to have a talk to you!”
    Vimes let the silence curdle. After too much of it, Feeney said, “Your wife is a very remarkable woman, sir.”
    Vimes nodded. “You have no idea. What do you want to do now, chief constable?”
    The boy hesitated. That was Sybil for you. Just by speaking calmly and confidently she could leave you believing that the world had turned upside down and dropped on to your head.
    â€œWell, sir, I believe I must take you before the magistrates?”
    Vimes noted the little question mark. “Who is your boss, Feeney?”
    â€œThe aforesaid bench of magistrates, sir.”
    Vimes began to walk down the steps, and Feeney hurried after him. Vimes waited until the boy was racing, and then stopped dead so that he ran into Vimes. “Your boss is the law, chief constable, and don’t you forget it. In fact, one of the jobs of the magistrates is to make certain that you do not! Did you ever take an oath? What did it say? Who was it to?”
    â€œOh, I remember that all right, sir. It was to the bench of magistrates, sir.”
    â€œIt…was…what?! You made an oath to obey the magistrates? They can’t make you do that!” He stopped. Remember, in the country there is always somebody watching you, he thought, and probably listening too.
    Feeney looked shocked, so Vimes said, “Get me down to your lockup, kid, and lock me in. And while you’re about it, lock yourself in with me. Don’t rush, don’t ask questions, and keep your voice down, apart from possibly saying things like ‘I have you bang to rights, you miscreant,’ and other rubbish of that general nature, because, young man, I believe somebody is in real difficulties here and I believe that person is you. If you have any sense, you’ll keep quiet and take me to your lockup, okay?”
    Eyes wide, Feeney nodded.

I t was a pleasant walk