Snuff

this yellow rope all about, Mr. Upshot?”
    â€œPolice cordon, sir. My mum knitted it for me.”
    â€œOh yes, I can see she’s managed to work the word PLICE in black in there several times, too.”
    â€œYes, sir, sorry about the spelling, sir,” said Feeney, clearly spooked by the stares. He went on, “There was blood all over the ground, sir, so I scraped some into a clean jam jar, just in case.”
    Vimes paid that no attention, because the two goblin guards had unfolded and were standing up. Stinky beckoned Vimes to walk ahead of them. Vimes shook his head, folded his arms and turned to Feeney.
    â€œLet me tell you what you thought, Mr. Upshot. You acted on information received, didn’t you? And you heard that the blacksmith and I indulged in a bout of fisticuffs outside the pub the other night, and that is true. No doubt you were also told that at some time later someone heard a conversation in which he arranged to meet me up at this place, yes? Don’t bother to answer, I can see it in your face—you haven’t quite got the copper’s deadpan yet. Has Mr. Jefferson gone missing?”
    Feeney gave up. “Yes, Mr. Vimes.”
    He didn’t deserve or perhaps he did deserve, the force with which Vimes turned on him.
    â€œYou will not call me Mr. Vimes, lad, you ain’t earned the right. You call me ‘Sir’ or ‘Commander,’ or even ‘Your grace’ if you’re dumb enough to do so, understand? I could have sent the blacksmith home walking very strangely if I’d had a mind to do so the other night. He’s a big man but no street hero. But I let him get the steam out of his tubes and calm down without losing face. Yes, he did say he wanted to meet me up here last night. When I came up here, with a witness, there was blood on the ground which I will warrant is goblin blood, and certainly no sign of any blacksmith. You had a bloody stupid case against me when you came up to my house and it’s still a bloody stupid case. Any questions?”
    Feeney looked down at his feet. “No, sir, sorry, sir.”
    â€œGood, I’m glad. Think of this as a training experience, my lad, and it won’t cost you a penny. Now, these goblins seem to want us to follow them and I intend to do so, and I also intend that you will come with me, understood?”
    Vimes looked at the two goblin guards. An ax was waved in a half-hearted sort of way, indicating that they should indeed be traveling. They set off and he could hear sorrowful Feeney trying to be brave, but broadcasting anxiety.
    â€œThey’re not going to touch us, kid, first because if they had intended to do that they’d have done it already, and second, they want something from me.”
    Feeney moved a little closer. “And what would that be, sir?”
    â€œJustice,” said Vimes. “And I think I have a premonition about what that is going to mean…”

S ometimes people asked Commander Vimes why Sergeant Colon
     and Corporal Nobbs were still on the strength, such as it was, of the modern
     Ankh-Morpork City Watch, given that Nobby occasionally had to be held upside
     down and shaken to reclaim small items belonging to other people, while Fred
     Colon had actually cultivated the ability to walk his beat with his eyes closed,
     and end up, still snoring, back at Pseudopolis Yard, sometimes with graffiti on
     his breastplate.
    To Lord Vetinari, Commander Vimes had put forward
     three defenses. The first was that both of them had an enviable knowledge of the
     city and its inhabitants, official and otherwise, that rivaled Vimes’s
     own.
    The second was the traditional urinary argument. It
     was better to have them inside pissing out than outside pissing in. It was at
     least easy to keep an eye on them.
    And not least, oh my word not least, they were
     lucky. Many a crime had been solved because of things that had fallen on them,
     tried to kill them, tripped one of them up, been found floating in their lunch,
     and in one case had tried to lay its eggs up Nobby’s nose.
    And so it was that, today, whatever god or other
     force it might be that regarded them as its playthings directed their steps to
     the corner of Cheapside and Rhyme Street, and the fragrant Emporium of
     Bewilderforce Gumption. *
    Sergeant Colon and Corporal Nobbs, as is the way
     with policemen, entered the building by the back door and were greeted by Mr.
     Gumption